I’ve avoided my body because I didn’t wanna sexualize myself. I’ve felt like appreciating my body meant that i had to sexualize it and I still don’t really know the difference.
My body grew before I did. Well I got boobs in fifth grade or sometime in middle school and the whole thing was uncomfortable for me. I didn’t want them especially because my mom always made a big deal about how big they were.
There was a time when I hated my body not because I was “fat” but because I simply didn’t feel pretty enough. I was constantly comparing it to my cousins’ and the other girls at my all girls school. How I wished to take up less space, that I was smaller.
It never felt like my body was mine. It felt like I was making my body suitable for the public gaze. I was trying to make other people okay with my body and the space I took up. I’ve always felt like my body was “in progress” not quite ready for consumption for the world because it wasn’t suitable or desirable yet. I put aside tops and skirts that I said I'd wear when I was “skinnier.” I’ve been living completely in the future and have been miserable in the present.
To my body all I have to say is, I'm sorry.
Comments