I don't think I'm using the word perils correctly, but it looks pretty and my blog, my rules!
Hello friends, tis eye and you have read the title correctly. I currently have a twelve page research paper that I am avoiding at the moment because it is making me sad and I do not want to be sad (Not actually avoiding just taking a quick release session I have been working on it for three consecutive days go me). Coming into this paper, the twelve page length requirement scared me a little. I have never written more than 5 pages for an essay 6 at max and the last page was always only the top section of the page which just entailed my conclusion. So, the first dilema was how the hell am I going to write 12 whole pages of words.
This fear was overcome with the knowledge that if my research paper is actually decent, it would reach the 12 pages without worry.
Onward to the next dilema. Actually planning it out.
I have gone back and forth so many times with this research question. I literally felt confident about it yesterday and today I just had a two minute crying session because I feel so dumb and unorganized--even tho I am being so organized with this paper, you should see my outline it is color coded and everything. Anyways, with the feedback from my lovely and very helpful professor I felt like I was back where I started. I felt confident in my question and knew I had to *coughs* finish *coughs* my thesis statement, but the only hurdle would be putting everything (my research, my evidence, my analysis) all together. I was completely zoomed in and ready to take everything step by step. But now I've gotten feedback and its completely zoomed me out. Yes I mean zoomed. I think I'm thinking about the paper and what I'm going to say too hard. I'm overthinking if all my parts make sense together and if I'm focusing on the right things, because the thingsI felt most confident about are the things my Professor noticed the least (cry) or had the most feedback about. And all I want to do is cry.
I hate asking for help. I was talking about this a little with my friends and in a club meeting. Basically, your class ($) or school you attended/the environment you learned in, factors in determining your likelihood to ask for help in school. Some students who are in higher classes or go to school in more affluent neighborhoods are more likely to ask for help compared to kids from lower classes or who attended schools in low-income communities. Now, I'm not providing any scientific date with this so I may be wrong, but it makes sense. A rich white student would never hesitate to ask for help because it will always be provided for them (for example tutors). I also don't think they've been conditioned to think that asking for help is wrong. Oh, and I went to a charter school, but I don't know the average income, but I'm basically comparing this to people who attended private schools or just wealthy students in general. I am almost dangerously good at following instructions given to me (except for when my mom tells me to do something for some reason) and I was always told to try the problem out by myself before I asked for help. I've always remembered that and always done that. The only people I ever asked for help when I was confused were other students. It's also always felt like if I asked for help from an adult that means I wasn't utilizing all my resources outside of asking the teacher (like notes).
I think you can be a very smart person while also being able to ask people for help or guidance when you feel stuck or genuinely don't understand something.
It may be a personal thing too that I just feel embarrassed to have to ask for help because if someone else can get it, but I seem to be missing something then its embarrassing that I didn't see the thing I was missing in the first place. The girls that get it, get it, and the girls that don't, don't. It's always felt like...you are smart, smart people do this, smart people do not need to ask for help because they have the answers inside themselves already they just have to find it/smart people know all the answers; if you cannot figure out the answer than you are not smart. Being smart has felt like an identity that I assumed because I could fit the parameters, but when I fail to fit those parameters I question my entire intelligence. Not in a way that I feel like if I'm not smart, I'm dumb, and dumb is bad, but in a way that feels like if you're not smart then what else do you have to offer? Where do you (me) fit in? What is your purpose? I knew coming into college that my intellect would be challenged, but you can't really know and understand the extent of something until you feel the feelings associated with it. I feel like I haven't said one smart thing all semester, LMAO. I feel so basic, lolz.
All year last year, I felt so empowered because it felt like we were actually talking about things in my classes. In APUSH, or my environmental sustainability class, or my African-American/Latinx lit class we were reallyyy talking about things. Real-life issues and just sharing opinions based on the content at hand. Here, I feel like the language is sometimes so inaccessible to the point where I don't know what the hell anybody is saying, and once I actually break it down and process the words said we've already moved on the the next person and the process continues. LIKE WHAT ARE YALL SAYING LMAO. I promise basic words will manage just fine, it be word after word just long ass dictionary words omg. Even the people who make fun of it end up doing it themselves, (no shade). That or everyone just agrees with one another so nothing is really getting said, we're all just nodding our heads. Idk there's so much and too much to be said and now I've gone on a little bit of a tangent.
Anyways back to the problem at hand, It's so hard having to unlearn that there is something negative about asking for help. I still don't even know if I truly believe that. I really am a suffer in silence type of bitch, lmao.
I've asked for so much help on this assignment (literally only twice but okay) and I think that's what's making me uncomfortable and also so upset.
Anyways, that was a little unstructured/informal vent session. I must get back to it now. It being the paper. Wish me luck. I know I can do it, it just might hurt a little. And if I can't do it, it'll just be practice for me to do better in the future. I will try my best and put in all my effort. (And try to ask for help).
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