So far, it has been two months of college. It is only know starting to hit me that I am in college (as expected). This is real. I am in Pennsylvania. I am at a new school. I'm paying to be here. I am by myself. I am here for four years. This is school. Wow.
As all these realizations swirl in my brain I start to realize that I never got a chance to mourn highschool*. I know, "mourn", so dramatic. Because of the pandemic, I only experienced two full years of in-person school, and had no real transition into high school ending. No senior swag, no senior activities, no prom, a graduation with inly 1/3 of my class.. It just ended. Pandemic aside, I feel like I still would've felt these same feelings about not being able to mourn what it meant for high school to end.
For one, highschool was the end of required schooling. Meaning, I don't have to be here. The stakes are entirely at my own discretion and that is frightening. Secondly, there's just a level of "adult" or professionalism you have to maintain in classes. In highschool, I joked around in my classes all the time. I acted like a child (admittedly, well because I was one), I fooled off, and when I was having a bad day I made sure the teacher knew and I took that class period to be in a mood. You can't do that in college. In some of my classes, I have to remind myself that this isn't highschool. I can't fool around in class like I normally would, I can't be in a mood if I'm having a bad day because I simply have to put that aside for the class period. I feel like there's a level of professionalism that I didn't sign up for, but I knew was gonna be here. It's not like I was supposed to be doing those things in high school classes either, but it was just different so if I did it wasn't that big of a deal.
You spend like half of your life in the school building anyways, and that isn't really the case in college so I guess I just got comfortable.
I feel like in college classes I have to be "on" all the time. One because I don't wanna be the black girl with the attitude, and two because I guess that's just the culture of college classes. Makes sense, it's supposed to prepare you for work, the world of professionalism or whatever. I somewhat miss the feeling of being able to let my guard down like I was able to in my highschool classes. I just felt comfortable with my teachers--Not that I don't feel the same way here, but its just different. But again, that was expected.
Time just moves so fast and I literally still remember ninth grade like it was yesterday. I can smell it. Oh my shit. And I just don't know how we got here so quickly. I wouldn't wanna go back, but please may we press pause so I can gather my thoughts?!
I haven't talked about missing highschool much because it feels lame, lmao. I don't wanna seem like that one guy who can't stop reliving the childishness of highschool, because that's not the case. In the end, I was somewhat apathetic towards highschool ending. I didn't hate it, but I also wasn't terrified about it ending. I felt ready to move on to the next "chapter". I knew it wasn't gonna hit me right away that highschool was over and that I was never going to be able to go back. It just took way longer to hit me than I thought it would, and that hit was like a punch in the face. Tbh, I think I got jumped.
The beginning of college (two months ago) was filled with newness. I love new shiny things, and I felt like I was high on all the new things I could experience, the new people I could meet, and the new person I could be. The beauty of a fresh slate truly is enthralling. I've gone to school with the same people damn near my whole life so there was never a clean slate. Not that I needed one, but it was weird yet at the same time intoxicating being a new person to so many people. I'm used to some sort of knowledge about me preceding me. An iconic quote from Mad Men (my third favorite tv show is), "tell her you only like the beginning of things". Now the context for that was regarding a romantic relationships but the main character, Don Draper, was a man who was running away from a lot of things in life--including himself, so saying he only liked the beginning of things was kinda dramatic irony about this dudes whole life. I realize that, I, only like the beginning of things, when they're shiny and new. That is until these things set in and I realize I'm stuck. We can go into more but that's a whole other blog post. Anyways, I bring this up to say that the beginning is over. The shiny veil that was covering my college experience is falling off, and it is finally setting in that I miss highschool. I'm embarrassed to say it.
I feel like people kinda make it quirky to be hate highschool, but at the same time its weird to over romanticize that one period of life. We don't allow ourselves to be complex 😭.
It is valid to miss highschool, I think people who go off the rails about it are just a little scared of the future and "losing" their youth. If we put less emphasis on youth and that being the only time you can have fun and enjoy your life, then I think everybody would be much happier.
I respect that people are able to move on like it never happened. I just learned so much because of the mistakes I made and watched other people make, and while highschool was a cesspool of ignorance (and gross boys!!) it was something that I experienced and that experience ended. Maybe this whole thing is just me being nostalgic, (Stockholm syndrome some would say), over the past and making it seem better than it was (lmao, yes bc I was DEPRESSED like half the year in tenth grade).
Of course, there are PLENTY of things that I DO NOT miss about highschool. I would neverrrr want to do highschool over again. I have no regrets, no things I wish I would have done (I just don't like to live like that, I can't change the past so I don't wanna dwell on what ifs), however I think its okay to miss something without necessarily wanting it back. Like, I don't want it back, AT ALL. If that contradicts the dictionary definition of missing something then I am so sorry.
There are so many things that I love about college that I am sure in four years I will be writing a very similar blog post about. Like I said before, I just wish I could pause and reflect.
My identity was a "high schooler" for the last few years I feel I was aware of the decisions I was making (14-17), and now it's not anymore. Yet, I don't really know if I feel the "college student" identity yet, but it has only been two months.
I turn 18 soon (18 in 18 days to be exact 🤪), and I hear so many people talk about how it all moves so fast once you become an "adult", but you still never really feel like you're an adult even when you're 25. That felt dumb to write, lmao, 25 is very much still a young adult.
For example:
The point is, I never wanna be someone who pines over their youth. I know that life doesn't end once you turn 30, or even once you turn 50. Yet, tons of "teen-dramas" revolve around high schoolers, and not so much about what happens in college or people who don't choose to go to college. They only briefly touch on college, but I would love to see it shown more. I think society puts a lot of emphasis on youth and "enjoying" your youth, and it's making me feel anxious about if I'm really doing that. As if I don't god-willing (I sound like my mother, but had to slide that in there) have years to live a fun and fulfilling life. I kinda wanna see old people old peopling idk hot take.
I've kinda used this as my chance to pause and reflect. I'm so excited to be in the present and be in the process of molding whatever life I end up living. I was so excited to be a high schooler and even more excited (but more terrified) to be a college student. Class is class, it will be dull and boring. I just have to find other outlets for fun. The positive thing about not being in school for 2/3 of my consciousness is that I am able to do other things. Like go to totally fun not at all boring parties at S***!! I can still go to sports games which I always loved doing with my high school friends, I can be out past 8 alone (yes, Ik let's not talk about it), and I can provide myself all my own meals (yayyy). No, but in all seriousness college is a new journey that I know won't always be a fun one, but I'm appreciative of being here and experiencing whatever I experience. Oh, and just learning a lot. I have so much more control over what I'm learning compared to highschool and I love that.
College (depending on where you go) is undoubtedly much better than high school. It just takes some getting used to and navigating. Mostly because you have to be the one to do all the navigating, but people have helped me along the way and lots of upperclassmen have given me great advice that has helped.
I just don't wanna be afraid of getting old. Do you feel you have to accomplish a lot (career or personal wise) in your youth in order to lead a meaningful life?
Anywho, that's enough of my rambling.
Here's some pictures from highschool. I miss her, I loved her (ehh), and I enjoyed her while she lasted. Goodbye to her. Rip to her <3. Tbh, ninth grade was like the best year ever LMAO I was livinggg. Imagine peaking in ninth grade 🤡. Don't forget to read the P.S!
P.S
Hopefully this all doesn't sound too lame.
Also random thought, I wanna be Laura Jean from To All the Boys so bad. Lemme go rewatch the movies.
*I'm aware high school isn't one word. According to my guidance counselor, my peers and I can't help but to spell it as if its one word. My blog my rules tho so highschool it is!
Your blogs are always so relatable. It’s kind of scary to think that it’s only been two months because so many things have happened already