If you're in my spam, you may have noticed that my bio says, "What's the point if not to overshare?", and that my friends is exactly what we are going to be doing today. I know there's an opinion that today's generation is sharing too much on the internet, and while that is a conversation for a different post I do have one thing to say. I think in many cases what we consider oversharing is just the act of telling people about things that happen to us that are typically taboo. While others can share too much which is better known as TMI, for the most part when we do share it just confirms that we experience the same things and I think that's valuable. I also only share things that I'm comfortable sharing on here because I've dealt with them enough on my end to simply not care if other people read my thoughts about it. Now that I'm done with that tangent, let's get on to the topic at hand: the friendship breakup.
The facts: I have recently ended a friendship with my best friend of 10 or so odd years. If you knew, crazy right, and if you didn't know, CRAZY RIGHT?! I'm not going to discuss why the friendship ended in specifics because in this post I just wanted to talk about the idea of a friendship ending--Especially a best friendship. When I started feeling like I had to end the friendship I scoured the internet looking for Buzzfeed posts or Refinery9 articles that could give me advice on ending a friendship. The iconic "10 Signs Your Friendship Is Totally Donezos!" I couldn't find any. While of course articles were talking about how to deal with a friendship ending, there was nothing that felt specific to my circumstance.
A friendship ending is a crazy thing when you sit down and think about it. The pictures you have of them on your phone, the fact that everyone automatically brings them up to you because they know you're friends (or were friends), the awkwardness of having to see them after the decision to end the friendship. Of course, I didn't coin the term friendship breakup, but why are we afraid to call it what it is? A breakup.
Most people don't understand the value of a true friendship. I don't think we always put the necessary emphasis on what it takes to be someone's friend in the same way we do a romantic relationship. When my friendship ended with my ex-bestfriend she said, "She (me ah 😛) acts like I'm her girlfriend and we're in a relationship." (For some context, I literally wasn't if anything it was the other way around so I don't know why she pulled this out of her ass but I'm glad she did because now I can make a point). I truly believe that in many regards platonic and romantic relationships should be equally weighted because many times you share more with a friend than you ever will a significant other. In the same way, the problem with being a bad friend needs to be equally weighted to the problem of being a bad significant other. Many times, the effects are the same.
It was so hard for me to end this friendship because of the length of time we had been friends and my being anxious about her reaction. However, the most important thing I was worried about was the permanency of this decision. I was unsure if this was the right decision because it would mean cutting off the person I had called my "soulmate" my "slave cousin" (don't ask). I felt unsure because I didn't have a specific reason WHY I wanted to not be friends, and of course you need one of those (you don't). All I knew was thinking about not being friends made me feel happy while thinking about the future of our friendship made me feel stressed and anxious. I knew that ultimately, even though I was unsure about such a permanent choice for the long run, I knew that right now what I needed was space and detachment from this person.
I kinda yolo'ed my way into ending the friendship if I'm being honest. I'm a sag (not sure if that has anything to do with this) but sometimes I just do things because I'm like what the hell and I want to see the reaction or end result. When I see something risky (in many cases the highest risk is just me sending a risky text message) I think about if it's something that I really want to say or do. If it is, which most of the time it is, I just do it because what the hell! The ex-bestfriend in question texted me asking,"are we were okay" (whatever the fuck that means--If you knew the context you'd say the same). At this moment my whole body was shaking (no literally that happens when I'm anxious) because I knew it was now or never. This (cue cliche line) was the moment I had been waiting for. It was almost perfect the timing of this so I knew it was a sign from the universe (or God for those of you who hate when people refer to things as the universe instead of God, I'm with whatever). I sent the message I should've sent years ago. I told her that I didn't think that we should be friends anymore. I shit you not I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. This was right after my decision day announcement so when I looked up there was a sea of red balloons. Even though throughout the night prior it had felt as if something was looming over me (I mean there literally were balloons over my head), after I sent the text the balloons had somehow become comforting. The sun was shining through my windows perfectly just the way I liked and the balloons were pulsating red. (Okay symbolism or whatever literary device idk I graduated already). I was happy.
Of course, this didn't go perfectly. There was more back and forth texting and petty bullshit mainly from her side...well all from her (Okay okay too much but 👀) but even with this I did not regret my decision. In fact, it solidified why the friendship needed to end.
Dealing with an end of a friendship is not much unlike going through the stages of grief. It may seem dramatic but bear with me. It is so hard to make the decision to remove someone from your life. It’s very complex and it teaches you the meaning of everything not being black and white. Losing someone can feel like the stages of grief (on a much smaller scale of course) because you think you’re doing okay then you’re sad because reality hits, then you’re angry thinking of all the messed up times, then you’re in denial laughing it off because this can’t be real life. The grief that comes from removing/losing this person from your life is a very personal process. For me I've dealt with a lot of the angry--A lot of venting to people (especially my mom) and mirrors and walls 😬 (arguing with walls not to be confused with punching walls).
When I made the decision, I felt really guilty because I was still worried about her and her feelings. I was concerned about what was running through her mind and how she was processing this. I felt guilty because maybe I overreacted, maybe I should've tried to talk to her about it more, maybe maybe maybe. But then the lovely ex-bestfriend of mine showed that I had nothing to feel guilty about because she STILL didn't comprehend where she went wrong. Not because I didn't express myself clearly or because I didn't have valid points, but because she simply didn't care. In fact, she was still trying to manipulate me even through the end of our friendship. A few weeks after the end, she attempted to contact me on Instagram DM but I deleted the message without reading it. Then she tried to send a message to me ("distant love") through a friend, which I declined. Then lastly, she contacted me via my phone number apologizing for where she went wrong and saying that she would always love me. I'm not a bitch so I responded frankly saying that I accept her apology (ik it was bs but sure I'll accept). However, without me knowing she was telling other friends that I disliked her and had a vendetta against her (I do not) while also trying to get them not to hang out with me (this was fairly recent so I may regret adding this later but yolo LMAO). Here I was trying to remove myself from an unhealthy situation, which I said multiple times to her, yet I'm the bad guy Chun Li ?!
I bring this up to say that closure is not real and you should just leave them alone. Not even speaking solely from personal experience, but from many accounts from people in similar situations. It’s hilarious that we believe we’re all mature enough (or that it's necessary) to have a final closing conversation that places a nice bow on the issue at hand. You only see closure in tv shows and movies but in reality, it doesn’t exist. It can go two of two ways (like one of two ways but two of two ways because both may very well happen at the same time): you contact the person or are the contactee (is that a word? based on the red squiggly line I'm guessing no) and you set them back in their process of moving on (read that sentence again sans parentheses because it's important). Time passing doesn’t mean “let me contact them and wish them the best.” It’s crazy that you have the audacity to think that a message from you is something that they would want. Having been on both sides, it’s better to just leave them alone. The second way is that you guys have a mature conversation thinking that everything is resolved but then you find out there’s still an issue after the fact. There’s still a bitterness there when you thought everything had been talked over and agreed upon. This is not to say that no one will ever get closure but it’s really not worth it (in a relationship ending type since). For those seeking it, I beg you to just keep moving forward because even if you do get that explanation or apology you desire you’re still gonna be unsatisfied. Rereading this I feel like I sound bitter (LMAO) but I truly have nothing but side eyes for closure. The only benefit is being able to be in the same room together if prior to that you couldn't. The other person isn't always gonna give you the answers you need so you gotta work that out within yourself. It's tricky though, someone just may be waiting for that apology, but if you know it's full of shit, don't just send it because you think that's what they want to hear.
People change, but not that fast. While friends with my ex-bestfriend she went on about how she was changed from her past self, but if you have to announce that you're a changed person, are you really?
Now that the friendship is over, I feel so happy. Life is not perfect of course, but I feel like now I can be more focused on myself. The people that I am friends with now fit the person I have become. I'm not the same person who decided to be in a friendship with her. There's no malice in that, just me choosing the life I want to live. I am thankful for that friendship because it has taught me how to set boundaries, and how to leave when those boundaries aren't being respected. I am so proud of myself for making this decision because I know a year ago I wouldn't have been strong enough to do so. This change has made me so excited to go out and explore life and I feel like I have a clean slate to do so--with no attachments and nothing weighing me down.
If she's reading this, may she learn how to grow, or else she will be a very lonely person. Solve all those internal issues and learn how to be a better friend. A motto from school that fits everything--Step up and step back. Learn when to step up for your friends and care for their needs, desires, and mental health while also knowing when to step back and realize that they have lives outside of you and that your every need is not their command :) aka stop being selfish! Being a good friend doesn't mean you will never make a mistake, but rather that you listen to your friends and act from a place of genuineness not guilt.
That ladies and gentlemen.... is the friendship breakup.
If you yourself are dealing with a friendship breakup up I invite you to my Pinterest board of quotes that make me feel understood. You're welcome!
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