My life is a mess, but like I always say, it's something to do so I enjoy it. I am so distracted all of the time and I can't even focus on my work, and I don't even know what for.
In my last post, I didn't really touch on FOMO (fear of missing out) which I was kicking myself for. Ever since I got to college I've been trying to say "yes" to everything. I think that was helpful because back home I was always saying "no" to doing things, and coming up with excuses to not go places. So when I got here I wanted to do the opposite of that. However, in doing that I find myself feeling anxious if I'm not hanging out with someone or doing something fun because I feel like there are things I could be doing, I just haven't found them. Essentially, I'm really stressed out. I think to cope with that I've been aggressively procrastinating doing my work. It's all getting done, don't get me wrong, but I am just always doing work. There is always an assignment due, a reading I could be doing, Spanish vocabulary I could be going over; It is all so draining.
The first week I was doing really well. I was doing my assignments a few days in advance and always in the library, and even though it's only been three weeks my motivation is gone. I cannot focus. My mind is everywhere but on my work; I've never really had it bad like this before.
It's weird participating in my classes. I tend to be an observer before I jump into a discussion, but now I'm just scared to say any idea. Like I'll have something to say, but won't say it because I feel like it's a dumb idea or I can't articulate it well, and then someone will say exactly what I was thinking and they'll be correct.
I was never the type of student to be always very assured in my answers, but I've been doubting myself a lot more. School is just very intimidating.
I did terrible on my second Astronomy homework, omg I should insert a picture. No points earned, just vibes. I don't feel dumb here, I know I'm very smart I just feel very mid. Don't know if that can be used as an adjective to describe people, but we're gonna go for it. People know a lot of random, but cool shit here and I kinda don't, lmao. It's just different. I wouldn't call it imposter syndrome because I don't feel like I don't belong, I just feel a little different. I feel like every time I speak I just word vomit and say words and it's because I'm so nervous all the time. But, you gotta sink to rise (right? Physics people?) so I don't mind being a little down. At this very moment, I have removed all the "I think"'s from the sentences in my discussion posts. If you're wrong your wrong saying I think doesn't make you less wrong so I gotta stop doing that. I feel like I'm reverting to very 1st-grade concepts to get me through. In first grade, we buried the phrase, "I can't". Like literally buried it in a plastic pencil case and left it in the classroom with the tombstone made out of an index card and pop stick. "Here lies 'I can't'."I've been saying I can't a lot recently. I'm going to stop.
I think I need to spend some time with myself. I love this extroverted Kayla that stands here before you. My social battery hasn't died at all yet--I just need to recenter and refocus. I've been overstimulated by all the people here (weird to type but we move) and I've been having a lot of fun. At the same time, shit is starting to unravel. I need to lock myself in my room and get my shit together. I have no routine I just do whatever every day, and I think that's why I feel so mentally chaotic.
I feel like I'm always "on". My friend here explained that to me where basically it's like you're always portraying the social very nice version of you. Even in the bathrooms, saying hi to someone mid washing your face, I don't know it's just different. I like my "on" version, she's not very different from my guess you could say the "off" version except that she's a lot nicer and controls her facial expressions more 🤠.
Can imposter syndrome be like when you feel like people are gonna think you're a fake? Does that make sense? I like who I am, but I don't wanna disappoint anyone. Being really candid and as least narcissistic as possible a few people have been like, "I saw you on Instagram !!" and I start to freak out because I'm like oh shit I hope I match up. I think that's one of my biggest fears, disappointing people because I'm not what they thought I'd be like. Though I think if you have fears about that kinda stuff that kinda confirms that you are an authentic good person. A true faker wouldn't care.
There are a lot of expectations for you when you're in college. Nothing really more to add to that 😭.
Overall, academically I'm just existing. I like not knowing all the answers and being challenged, but it's also a pain in the ass when you don't feel like doing anything, but you also can't half-ass your work.
But yeah, that's it for me. In summary, I am a hot mess right now and I need to collect myself before it gets worse. I miss my best friend so much. I just need a free day to gather myself.
I guess to end this on a positive note one thing I'm happy about is fencing! I've never done a sport, but I really like being active. I always liked racing when I was younger before I got boobs and doing field day. I just hate performing physical activities in front of other people, it is so embarrassing for me. With fencing everyone's cool and the physical activity isn't too much. Also, you wear a full-body suit so nobody will be able to watch me while I do it! Apparently, fencing doesn't get you in shape, you have to get in shape for fencing--weird. So where are the gym bros at ?!?!
I also am really enjoying hanging out with the people I've met so far. I said that already but I gotta say it again. I thought I would have no friends if I'm being honest lmaooo. I hope to make more!
That's all for now, wish I could share more. Hopefully one day long after I die my journal will be a historical artifact and you can read about the mess that is the overthinking in my brain.
If there are any typos in this, apologies, I wrote this at 2 am 🤠!
P.S
Boys suck.
Most love ever to exist,
- Kayla
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