I told you before I started sophomore year that my sophomore years in the past had been cursed, sophomore year was always the most stressful/saddest year for me. I hoped that this year would be different, but I came in with the expectation that it would be dreadful. While I can’t say that sophomore year was all peaches and rainbows, I can say that my sophomore year of college has been one of the best school years of my life. Let’s dive in.
When I began sophomore year, I knew that this year had the potential to be stressful. I was taking on more responsibilities than I ever had in my life, some that hadn’t even reached my doorstep until the end of my first semester. I worried how I would balance it all. By the end of fall semester, I was dealing with so many emotions and stress from things that were going on throughout the school year. I told you about my overwhelming natural science class, and I also felt like I wasn’t doing enough in my classes. I felt defeated, not smart, and freaking lost all the time in each of my classes except for maybe one. However, I think fall semester course scheduled classes just suck always, spring semester offerings are much better. The progress in my classes felt chaotic, my work outside of class felt disorganized, and I felt overwhelmed.
At the end of fall semester and moving into spring semester, I was scared. I ran home as soon as I could so I could escape the bubble of stress that awaited me back at school. I wanted to run away from all the problems here and be anonymous again in the blanket of home. Maybe anonymous isn’t the right word. I wanted to be around people that did not know my school self; returning back home always feels like returning to the real world where things are not black-and-white and everything is more nuanced. Everything is complicated so nothing is complicated and I just sit in my room and mind my business as life in Bushwick unfolds around me. Home feels suffocating and free at the same damn time and it makes one hell of a temporary escape.
So much of my time at Swat is wishing that I could pause the time. That I could just have another day in between Sunday and Monday, that I could relinquish all my responsibilities, that I could just spend a week alone shuttered in my room playing sims. That’s what I can do at home. I can put the world on pause, lock myself in my room, and let the weeks pass me by. But at a certain point, I get tired of the endless loop and I crave the chaos of school again.
When it was time to return to school in the spring semester what I needed was clarity and organization. The clarity and organization I needed depended on other people (which I hate, but alas) so that meant that I had to open my fucking mouth. Jesus christ, was that scary. I thank sophomore year because it taught me to be confrontational, to say what’s on my mind, what I feel, and how other people affect me even if my voice shakes the whole time. Confrontation or just telling people what I feel is scary. I never do it, unless it’s been building for a long time and I have to release it. I’m learning not to let it build up, I’m learning that relationships aren’t built on lack of conflict, I’m learning that shit can’t get done if we don’t address the elephant in the room, I’m learning that conflict does not mean someone doesn’t like me. Sophomore year taught me how to open my mouth in a still new space around new people who I hadn’t had conflict or disagreements with before. It taught me that when I open my mouth, things don’t get worse, but rather, they get better. Confronting other people is scary, I don’t want anyone to dislike me, but I can’t be concerned about being disliked at the expense of myself. Sophomore year also taught me how to put myself out there. Sophomore year asked me to figure out what it is that I want, it demanded that I make that clear for myself before I move forward in this life.
When I look back at photos of my spring semester there is not one moment that I cringe at (unlike a few other semesters, but we move!) I look at my photos and watch myself evolve and execute numerous goals over the course of the semester.
Spring semester was beautiful to me. I cannot express the level of gratitude I have for the love and support I was shown this spring. The beginning of spring semester was very hard for me. I’ve felt the most emotionally low I’ve ever felt in my life, and I didn’t know why. I felt so unlike myself, honestly there’s been a multitude of moments during spring semester where I felt so unlike myself. It would hit out of nowhere. The most recent blow was during the execution of my ecofeminism(s) art showcase. I was emotionally and physically depleted trying to execute this passion project of mine. I felt physically ill, even though I wasn’t sick, and I did not sleep at all the night before. This wasn’t simply because of stress, or me being dramatic, but just an overwhelming feeling of not being supported by some people who were supposed to support the project. I spoke to my mom on the phone the day of the show and cried. I usually like to keep my sadness and school stress to myself because I know that for people outside the situation it seems so minor, but my mom was really understanding and helpful (as always). She told me that when I do projects I’m passionate about, I have to do them with people who are equally passionate about the project--not just interested. I felt like she really got it and it was the perfect thing to say.
Speaking of ecofeminism(s), I am so proud of the work I’ve done academically and non-academically, I guess, with environmental justice. From the art showcase, to the EJ storytelling event, to the EJ march, and all the little events in between, my year has been colored by environmental justice and I would not have it any other way. I declared my major (yay)! But I already want to change it. My current major is Environmental studies and a minor in English Literature. I want to include Black studies as a combined major with Environmental studies. My work as an environmental studies major is deeply intertwined with race, and most specifically has a focus on Black women and the environmental justice movement. It’s important to me that Black studies is reflected in my major, so we will work on that.
In addition to academic progress, I learned how creative I am and resourced that creativity into my class assignments. I am a creative genius y’all, just let me cook! I’ve made a zine about Black & Indigenous women environmental activist and how their activism is guided by love, I designed the ecofeminism(s) art showcase, I modeled in the school’s student run fashion show (I didn’t do anything for that but be pretty teehee), and I wrote an amazing essay analyzing the importance of dance as a liberating tool in for colored girls (I will potentially be posting the essay because I ate with it and really improved my writing skills and found, at least momentarily, my voice). My writing skills are on the up! Expect more essays on here!
Anywho, back on topic! I’ve always admired people who can draw, or make clothes, or write a book, write a script, write a song, make a beat! All these creatives are my friends! I admired them with the notion that I’d never be able to hone the talent that is creativity. I never thought I’d be able to come up with original concepts because I’m just not that creative. But I was wrong. My style is so unique, my brain, omg my brain. It’s a marvel to have ownership of this brain. I am so creative and I didn’t see it until this semester. I learned how important art and fashion are to me this school year. Fashion is art--and, tangent: We talked about fast-fashion in ecofeminism(s) and if fashion is a worthy form of art because of the waste it’s created recently and as a fashionista environmentalist hopeful, I have THOUGHTS. (We can save the planet and still have a healthy closet, but that is for a future blog post!)
Moral of the story is, I’m a prophet. Go re-read “[kmworded.]: heyy sophmore year” because I really predicted a lot of shit, but also predicted my triumphs. Sophomore year drug me through the mud! I was dowwwnnnnn, like wayyy wayyy down (they took my grandma yall!). But, I like to see the silver lining in things, and this year taught me so many lessons that I’m glad I learned now. This year made me more confident, more sure of myself, more diligent, more intentional, and unafraid to take the spotlight. You’re supposed to be meek and only let applause come to you when initiated by someone else, but I don’t wanna do that. People who look like me aren’t supposed to hone the spotlight, we aren’t supposed to be confident, we aren’t supposed to be 3 dimensional beings. I don’t want to wait for anyone's permission to speak, or do a project I want to do, or to be fucking great, and I’m not going to. I learned this from the best. My mom is a master at celebrating herself publicly but doing it in a way that isn’t meant to brag or flex or anyone else. She celebrates everyone and ensures to celebrate herself. She makes sure to start the applause for herself, she doesn’t wait for anyone else to do it (although they very much will). Everything you see me do today, confidently, is because I watched my mom do everything confidently. Sophomore year gave me the room I needed to take up space, I always had the ability in me I just needed time.
To close, this semester was exhausting, but transformative. I never understood how someone could describe something as bittersweet (and lowkey still don’t), so I’ll just say that this semester was sweetbitter. I read some amazing readings this semester so I will be making an additional blog post listing all the literature that inspired me and my work this semester. To start, I suggest you check out Megan thee Stallion’s recent ELLE magazine essay/interview.
To close forreal, it's been difficult knowing how/when to celebrate myself when I do really amazing things. It's feels weird (in a way) writing all these things I've done out and posting them because I don't want to be self-obsessed, but all of these are wins for me! When I overworked myself this semester I asked, "Who am I trying to prove myself to?" The answer is multi-faceted, like yes it's rhetorical because I don't have to prove myself to anyone, but I'm also trying to prove myself to myself, and to my family who said I'd be great, and to my teachers who said I'd be great, and to my professors now, and to my mom to show that I know it was looking like I didn't have common sense for a minute (or a job lolz), but I made it out! I don't think I have to prove myself to anyone (she types trying to convince herself she believes what she just said), but I know that anything I may have had to prove was proven this year and I am very proud of that.
thank you to all my friends, professors, family and strangers who were kind to me this year. I am so blessed to receive so so much kindness in this world. thank you for showing up for me always, even when cramming for an exam in Singer, or after practice, or after an event of your own. thank you for connecting me with other lovely humans. thank you for being patient with me and giving me grace. thank you for listening. thank you for giving a hug when I need one. thank you for showing me new places (I never wrote a blog post about my spring break lolz! that happened this year and it was AMAZING, but will probs be in 2023 reflections). thank you for giving me so much. thank you for being excited to see me. thank you for answering the phone at 2am. thank you for your sweet comments on my instagram posts. I get so flustered because I know I look dumb saying thank you in response to all your kindness, but I truly don't know what to say. thank you for reading this and all the other posts. thank you for telling me I'm a good writer. thank you for telling me I'm beautiful. thank you for being my number one supporter. thank you for teaching me. Thank you and I love you are my two favorite phrases (alongside some others wink wink), and I know I say them so much, but know how much I mean it when I say these words. Because I am immensely thankful and filled with so much love.
alight let me calm down. good luck with finals (if you have them). have a beautiful summer. continue to be great and amazing. I too will continue to be great, amazing, witty, charming, etc etc. Glad to know ya. If you made it all the way down here, please I BEG OF YOU share with me a win you had this year. I promise I care!! I want to know the great things you are doing, no win is too small.
love love love