Hello friends,
‘Tis I, Kayla. Here today, I have for you a little update on my life. Isn’t it so silly that I can do a life update and people will read it, teehee. Okay, anyways, where should I start? Firstly, I have been listening to SZA’s album nonstop, it truly has been on replay back to back. It's not even on purpose! I’ll try to listen to one song, but then I have to listen to another, and the next thing I know the whole album has been played. Then, once the album finishes I try to listen to something else, but then I get the hum of one of the songs from the album stuck in my head, so I have to go back and play it! I think I enjoy the album so much because of all the different genres, but also because Sza’s pen eats. Now that I basically know the lyrics I’ve been having a lot of fun singing along with my microphone.
Moving on…it’s finals week. Should I talk about finals? Eh. Finals aren’t really that bad for me, it's more so not having motivation to do these papers/projects because it won’t matter in a week. Linguistics I’m looking at you. Luckily, half of my finals are on topics I actually care about, so for those I think I’m procrastinating because I’m afraid I won’t be able to convey everything I wanna say. But, I’ve locked myself away in my room for the last two days and got most of the boring stuff out of the way. The boring stuff isn’t completely finished, but we are making our way through. Wish me luck. I truly am never going to take a science class again, every time I set myself up for failure. Ya know, sometimes (a lot of times) when it comes to STEM work I think I’m dumb, like I feel really dumb. Then I realize, it’s not all of STEM, its fucking science. Looking back, I have NEVER liked science classes, like truly there is a disconnect between me and science. If anything, Math is the only thing I like everything else I fear I’m not the target demographic. Like never have I ever cried over a class this much. I was in office hours with my professor, and I swear this man was questioning my whole acceptance into this college, LMAO. I said I was confused and he was just staring at me like he didn't know what to say. I swear this man has seen me at my lowest--in my head I was saying, “I promise I have a brain, this is just not my field of expertise.” Then, I went to the bathroom and cried :( . Anyways, it’s almost over and then I will never do it again. (Except for when I have to do a lab course for my major requirement, but that’s a problem for future Kayla.)
Speaking of school, I wish there was a grammar class for English grammar. I understand grammar for the most part, but I kinda want a refresh because it’s been awhile and I’ll use a semicolon anywhere with no regard for grammatical accuracy. They should have a class for that. The last refresh I had was in junior year of high school and I fear it was a bit helpful.
Okay, enough about school let’s get into the meat. How do I even segue into this? Okay, ever since I turned nineteen, twenty-two days ago, I have been thinking a lot about what it is that I want. Like, what do I really want from myself as I leave my teenage years and enter what I would say is just more teenage years, but with the title of an adult? What do I want in regards to all parameters of my life--school, work, relationships, travel, etc.? Initially, it felt very complicated because I didn’t really know what I wanted, but maybe that was because I felt like what I wanted had to be defined by specific parameters, or be something that’s been done before and I just follow that path. Yet, none of the parameters of paths that have been set were appealing to me.
There is a recorded convo at the beginning of the song, “Far” on SOS where SZA says that she’s been facing a lot of rejection recently and it really hurts. Then the person she’s speaking to says, that’s okay because, “if no one wants you, then you are free.” BITCH. When I heard that line, it really spoke to me, like it stopped me in my tracks. It felt fitting because what I really really want in life is to be free. Like I just want to do what makes me happy in the moment and not have to explain myself to anyone. I also really like a quote that I saw on Pinterest that said, “I am mine before I am anyone else’s”. That quote hit because yes, true, so real, but I don’t even know if I want to be anyone else’s. I love love and romance and yes, want that, but I think at least right now, I just wanna be mine. I don’t want anyone to have control over my emotions or my choices, ever, so I think right now I just wanna figure out how to maintain that even if someone else comes into the picture. So, I don’t really know what that means for me. I’m just really trying to let whatever happens happen, but oh my God it is so fun to be free.
I was on the phone with my mom the other day, I was stressed about some stuff and she could sense it. I told her why I was stressed (mostly about school stufF and other responsibilities), and she told me that these are supposed to be the fun years. That I have to do what I want to do, even if other people want me to do something else, even if those other people are her. It just reminded me that these are probably the only years in my life when I won’t have responsibilities or strings attached to anyone or any place. These are the years in my life when I can do whatever I want to do. And it isn’t like I wasn’t doing that already, but it was more so a reminder that I have so much more to look forward to. That doesn’t invalidate the stress that I have, but puts it into perspective a bit. This shit is so unserious, and for the stuff that is serious--it’s okay if I make a mistake, or if something goes wrong. Many a people have made a mistake, and many a thing has gone wrong.
In the spirit of being free, I’ve also been thinking about freedom in relation to how much I post on social media. We all know I'm addicted to my phone, but in regards to how much I post on social media it used to be worse, understandably so! Giving snapchat, a keyboard, and a black screen to a middle schooler?! The things I would post…I fear I had a little too much freedom of speech. Not in a problematic way, but in a baby just learned a few too many dirty words way. Anywho, I was the queen of snapchat if I do say so myself, I would post my every thought, I posted storytimes, I posted me doing dumb shit, I posted me doing weird shit. It was my only social media with no “adults” on it, but then I deleted it! Then, I migrated to Instagram because I was like, “I’m mature now”. So, what is the problem with me and Instagram? The problem with me and Instagram is that I want to be mysterious and not post on my stories, but I can never seem to do that. I want to find the balance between not being cringey and trying to “move in silence”, but also not posting my every thought and move. I say this because I want to learn how to have things for myself. If I post a picture on instagram then it is no longer mine, it belongs to all the people who have seen it. It's not that serious and I don’t wanna be the annoying people who say social media is all bad and makes things artificial because I don’t think that is completely true. I want social media to be an after-thought to the moments I have. And I say this as someone who doesn't have a lot of followers, everyone who follows me is someone I know personally or who I go to school with. Not many people are consuming what I post, but now I’m just in a state where I wanna make something or have a cool picture and not have it go to Instagram, but where can it go? I’ve solved my problem! I started making collages in my journal with polaroid pictures and scraps of whatever material I can find in my room. I wanted to scrapbook, but I know I can’t commit myself to scrapbooking in one designated spot, so I decided to make my journal the one-stop-shop for all my creativity. I'll put my poems in there, I’ll put my drawings in there, I’ll put my journal entries in there, I’ll put my pictures in there, I’ll put my fun little momentos in there--and it’ll all be mine. I’ll build it over time, I’m not in a rush to fill it up with things, but right now it’s really cute.
So, I guess I’d say I’m in an era (or hopefully a lifetime) where I want more things to myself, and I want them to be tangible and in real life. I want to find a way to make this blog feel real, tangible, and alive. I also want to create things just for myself. I want to write something and not try to make it into material for the blog. I want to take pictures and not post them. I would just keep them in my camera roll, but it’s so messy. I was thinking of making another Instagram account that’s private, but I truly have too many Instagram accounts right now. I may just make an album of photos that’s just like an Instagram feed, but just an album on my phone. I know someone is screaming to just get a photo album…maybe. I really like the shared albums my friends and I have--shared albums may become my go to. You still get the validation of people seeing your pictures, but no need to post.
In conclusion, I want to be mysterious, I want to be hot, I want to be free, I want to be me. I know what I’m doing.
My tattoo is peeling. (I got a tattoo!) I can’t wait till it heals so I can take pictures!! I love taking pictures of myself, it’s so fun and therapeutic. I wish I could share them with the whole world, but not have to post them, but people can still see if they want. Like a museum full of my selfies that people could go see if they wanted to, for free! Anyways, back to the tattoo, the day after I got home from school I decided to go get a tattoo. I really wanted one and I was so tired of being afraid of pain. Freedom is pain!! I simply could not be hot and free if I did not get over my fear of the unknown, the unknown being just how much this tattoo would hurt. Turns out it was like a 4/10. I truly ate that, the chair I was sitting on definitely felt my nails digging into its leather, but I ate that nonetheless. My tattoo says, “Everything, in time”, just above my knee. The above the knee placement is a bit fire I fear; I’ve said this before, but I’ll say this again, hide ya girl! I got that phrase because I am the most impatient person alive and I am actively working on slowing down and taking my time. Good things take time! I think I have a lot of fear rooted in not getting good things or the things that I want, so if they don’t happen immediately then I think I’m not getting them, but that isn’t the case. This just reminds me that I will get everything I deserve, in time. A little anxious attachment style reassurance.
I return to campus soon and I’ll tell you a little secret…I don’t wanna go. I left campus in a bit of a rush running away from all the problems and anxiety and overthinking that overwhelmed me there, just to only have it waiting for me when I got back home! It is definitely not as intense, most of the things I ran away from have left me alone and are waiting for me back at school, but some snuck their way on this visit home and I have spent so much time THINKING. My favorite position is lying on my back and gazing up. Sometimes I imagine all my thoughts above my head running around and bumping into each other, just making a fucking mess. So, I lie on my back, look up, and try to undo all the knots they’ve made, but sometimes I just make it worse. I want to turn my brain off.
Everything is changing, and it feels like last semester was my last semester of normalcy--if we ever really even had that. The love of my love island life will not be there, and my other friends are going abroad during junior year and it feels scary because when are we all gonna be together! I know everything will be okay, and I’ll be okay, but it still sucks that my friends are great and wanna travel and stuff, I GUESS. Change is good though, it keeps ya on your toes.
I’ve never been much of a planner when it comes to my life. My grandma’s funeral was last Thursday; my mom had been asking me what I was going to wear all week and I told her I’d figure it out, that I had something in mind. I did have something in mind, I ordered a dress from Target that was supposed to come the day before the funeral, on Wednesday, but it never showed. So, I casually asked my mom if she had black pants I could wear and she asked, annoyed, why I always wait till the last minute to do things. I do it because whatever the situation is, it always works out for me in the end (I didn’t say that to her though, I just shrugged my shoulders and smiled). It’s because in those cases I know what I want, I just haven’t quite figured out how to get the end result. In regards to the funeral outfit, I knew I wanted to look like myself. The funerals I’ve gone to I never dressed like myself, I always looked like a forty year old woman and I hated it. I knew that for this I wanted to wear something that I actually liked, I had the image in my head, just didn’t know how to execute, but in the end it all worked out and I’m keeping the pants I borrowed from my mom because they are so cute!
All in all, everything will be fine. I’m adding this a few weeks later from when I originally started writing this and I got an A- in the painful science class, like we’re really up! I will face my problems, at the last minute as always, but face them nonetheless. I will be okay.
There is so much good that happened recently!! So much good; I got three things offered to me on my 2023 bucket list in the span of one day! That made me so happy. I’ve been listening to Renaissance again, and that has been so fun too. I accomplished a lot on my winter break bucket list, they were small endeavors, but I’m glad they got me out the house. Also, last semester was a really good semester. Don’t get me wrong I experienced some LOWS, but because of that I tried therapy for the first time and it was cool while it lasted. I played around with my style and realized that maybe the plaid skirt era is over (I wore plaid skirt uni in high school, so I was making up for the time I missed out on. It was fun and fresh tho!). I had a crush that I laid to rest, but it was really sweet while it lasted (Top 2 crushes ever, that was fun). I got off campus a lot more, not nearly enough, but more and that was great for the mental. Lastly, I had A LOTTTT of fun with my friends, we are truly so weird. OH WAIT HOW COULD I FORGET--I had the Barbie Bash of the century with the most amazing person ever I am truly obsessed with her! Last semester was filled with a lot of love and light and chaos and emotions and a bit of drama (but I secretly live for it). Even though I overthink like crazy, life is good and I am so grateful for everything that has happened and everything that I have.
Well friends, I have to go grab pizza with my great-aunt, but it has been a joy to update you on life. I hope you are well and I hope you know how much I adore you!
P.S Here's my vision board if you read till the end.
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