Hiya wordies.
I haven't posted in a minute and usually just go m.i.a until I'm inspired again, but I did want to do a little informal life update just for fun because I feel like a bit has happened. I never really give life updates because I try stick to posts that have a central topic at hand. But this is a blog so life updates is really what this is for
Anywho here's what's up. I'm gonna be an RA next school year so will have a bunch of RA stories/experiences that I will be able to share with y'all. I probably won't be able to post about it while I'm actually an RA but I will share eventually so I am excited for that. I'm actually very happy that I'm gonna be an RA, I've been pretending not to be excited about it and downplay it but deep down I am very happy about it. It might be stressful, it's also my first paid job (🙈) so all in all it will be an experience.
First semester is coming to an end and its crazy that it happened so fast. I will obviously give you a blog post about that. It will probably hit the stands in mid-May so stay tuned.
Next up, I've been thinking a lot about past friendships (whether or not I'd like to admit it or not) and it's kinda been stressing me out/making me sad. I don't regret the end result of what happened in my past friendship it's just weird to think about the person I am now compared to who I was only a few months ago. This time last year, I was still friends with the person from the friendship breakup and my life's existence was was consistent with the way it had always been. Here I am a year later a vastly different person with major changes in my personal relationships and it's just very surprising. Don't get me wrong I'm very happy about the changes, but a small part of me is just reflecting on how much everything has changed. A part of me still thinks about that friendship, not from a stance of missing it, but rather from a state of recognizing that I had something that I no longer have and that's a big deal. It has less to do with her as a person and more to do with me and what that friendship represented, and lowkey just the friendship itself. It's weird to have someone out in the world that once knew you so well that you don't even interact with anymore. I don't want it back, but it's just so...weird. I don't have the words to describe it. So yeah, that's been on my mind for the last few weeks. It'll be a year since we stopped being friends in a few weeks and I'm not sure how I feel. I wish I didn't feel anything, but that's not the kind of person I am.
Moving on, I recently developed a crush on someone that crashed and burned (unsurprisingly). I am painfully predictable and I when it comes to crushes I always follow a pattern and end up right back where I started. I have a new crush every quarter, that shouldn't be news to anyone though. I have a big heart and an open mind so it really doesn't take much for you to do it for me LMAO. I think I'm too open minded honestly because I really force it sometimes, I am too generous with the male specimens. I am so tired of niggas that can't dress. I am so sorry, but I cannot. I have been so giving and accommodating, but no más. You know, I go into it thinking it's something I can fix, but then I realize I shouldn't have to, and them not being able to dress usually correlates with a larger personality aspect that will later give me the ick.
Back to the dude, yeah it was my quarterly crush, the last of the semester and I fear it was my worst ranking one to date. I am so embarrassed that I ruined my track record with him, it is a stain on my reputation, I am so sorry wordies--I have done better. A part of me is tired of having unrequited crushes and another part of me is holding onto hope that love does exist in undergrad. However, that hope is decaying. Tis why 21 Savage's "FUC LUV" is my motto for the current semester and the semesters to come. I hate it here.
A small part of me does still have an inkling of hope for him but it will die because I will stomp on it and crush it until it is nothing more than a speck of dust on my heart. Yes.
I lowkey always choose shitty options because deep down I know I probably don't actually want to enter into a relationship because that is scary, but living in a state of delusion is safe because no real harm can come to me. There's no risk, and a part of me knows that. The solution to this? I don't know, but the first step is acceptance and I accept this lmao.
Lastly, I have so much work. I am procrastinating like a bitch, but it will get done because it always does. I cannot wait for break so I can sit in my bed and play sims for a week, while I watch let's plays. Honestly the only thing keeping me going. My old laptop needs it battery replaced so will have to take it to the Apple Store, I really don't want to pay for that though omg.
Oh I downloaded Tinder + Hinge and yeah...that has been a time. I've seen some pretty people and it has reinforced the fact that there are still decent pretty people (so shallow sorry not sorry) in the world. I needed that. It's so embarrassing to be on a dating app especially when people from school can see me, that's yeah...It's been a fun time swiping though. Do I think I'll find somebody on there? No. But it'll help me practice and that is a step, lol. So embarrassing.
Okay, bye for now.
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