Making love is the most disgusting phrase I want to vomit.
I've had crushes on a lot of people, it's my favorite thing about existing. One of my favorite pastimes. Ahhh there's a story for each one, a detailed (very delusional) story of my infatuation and the eventual crash and burning of that crush. If you're interested just ask and I'll tell you about my past ones. I'm honestly surprised I haven't written about this sooner. On my collage at home I have a picture that says, "Mentally a Whore", and it makes sense because if I had dated as many people I liked in my head I would be considered a whore. Having a crush is always so fun for me because I think a part of me enjoys the idea that it will never happen. I say this because I'm a punk and never tell someone when I like them. I mean part of the allure is hoping that they'll magically fall in love with you because you guys made eye contact once.
What makes you have a crush on someone? I'm sure there's scientific reasoning behind why you feel flutters when you're around a certain person. I suppose it originally starts off as lust or general attraction, but I don't know. When I have a crush on someone it comes from a place of "you could be my favorite person ever." This is also why I've had many of something called a friend crush. If you ask me, I was the person who made up this term, but I guess it was already popular...whatever. A friend crush (in the dictionary of Kayla M.) is when you like someone a lot, but not in a romantic way. Similar to a crush because you want them to like you and for you guys to be close, but, again, nothing romantic. I like having a romantic crush because there's this extra level of potential intimacy there. Plus, everyone wants romance and to be loved.
Having a crush sucks sometimes because of the impending doom that is your feelings not being reciprocated. Having a crush on someone is weird because then it's like, what happens after you tell them, sex?!!!
At least that's what happens in my head. As outrageous as it sounds I think I hate the idea of telling someone that I like them because then I feel like I'd have to have sex with them. I know that's really weird and not the case, but that's just my brain and I'm not gonna lie to you LMAO. No, but what happens after you tell someone you like them? I've never gotten that far.
I think another reason why I drag out the process of having a crush on someone is that it comes with no expectations. I read into any little thing screaming, "THAT'S A SIGN", or over-analyzing every conversation and interaction. At the end of the day, it's something to do, and none of my actual feelings pose the risk of getting hurt. The delusional feelings do be suffering though 😪. It must be my sag Venus that makes me so scared of actually doing the whole dating process with anyone.
I wonder if anyone has ever had a crush on me. I know one person has because he told me, but I didn't really want him to LMAOOO. I wonder if there's anybody who's ever been in the same headspace as me about me. EWWWWWW that was gross to type, I'm so sorry. I wonder how many people like someone and just never say anything, and if the person they liked secretly liked them too (although unlikely).
I second guess myself when I have a crush on someone. I kinda put myself down to explain away why a person like that wouldn't like someone like me. Kinda the idea of leagues, or types. Ever heard the question, "are you your type's type?" Basically, would the people you're drawn toward even be drawn toward you?
I guess the con of me liking someone is that I kinda lose myself. I low-key try to adapt to whatever version of myself that I think my crush would like. Or I quiet myself down, try to take up less space. Really taking women back 50 years, lmao.
I wonder what would've happened if I just straight up told my crushes that I liked them. (Probably sex...no I am completely playing lmaooo) I think about that sometimes (like everyday). Just saying yolo and seeing what happens. I would, but honestly, I think the result would be boring.
I've only told someone I liked them one time and I swore I would never do it again. It went like,
(On Snapchat)
"Hey blah blah blah just wanted to let you know that I liked you."
"I know."
What the fuck was I supposed to say to that, but basically, he didn't like me back, welp.
A question I ask myself when I'm doubting myself because I like someone else is, "Do you like you? Would you date you knowing everything that you are?" And to be fucking honest, I would. The point of this is to explain how having a crush can create a lot of insecurities--Feeling too fat, or too dark, or too black, or too tall, or too loud, or too weird, etc etc. But that's dumb and no fun.
Liking someone and seeing them around is just the best thing ever because it just feels like sparkles, ahh.
I think I don't like telling someone I like them because people might take advantage of that, or it might make things awkward. Like I've seen that happen--the weird limbo between we like each other, but we're not dating. Seems painful.
I've had forced crushes too; I've made myself like someone just because they were showing a little interest in me. Those weren't as fun and didn't feel like sparkles it felt like nausea.
If you ever wanna tell your crush you like them, just do it. Do it as a dare to yourself. If it goes wrong you can just pretend like it never happened, that's what I did. If they bring it up tell them you have no idea what they're talking about, but like in a really calm way. Just total confusion, play it off good and you'll be set.
If you choose not to understand that crushes are dumb and eventually go away (hopefully). However, I'm realizing that nobody can read your mind, body language, or three swipes up on their stories. You gotta say it with your chest babes.
Anywho, if five people share this (KMworded Instagram post) to their story I'll tell my crush (I have a few at the moment so I'll eenie-mine-e-moe-it) (I'm playing) (👀...) I like him (or something of the sort) because what the fuck the world is ending and nothing matters. But...boys are scary and weird so no promises.
This was actually really cringey to write, but I'm bored at school at 10:57 pm so why not overshare.
Moral of the story is now, always, and forever: yolo.
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