This is a class that American society decided to skip over, so I kids am here to guide you. Now...I'm no expert in self-esteem, but I feel like I've been on both sides of the spectrum so I am qualified to give some advice. Neither, am I well adept in the relationship field, but I have eyes so I'm gonna comment, lol.
Let's talk about self-esteem:
When I reached that middle school age of 8-12 (because that seems to be where all my issues are rooted) I began experiencing my first bouts of low self-esteem. You can say this was because of my darker complexion, height, weight, whatever. There's been times when I didn't want to look in the mirror because I didn't like what I saw. There's been times when I thought maybe if I was lighter more boys would like me (*present Kayla speaking and yuck, we don't need validation from boys over here!*). There's been times when boys have compared me to men even till this day! There's been times I stopped eating (my failed attempt at being anorexic that lasted two days) because I felt too big.
However, I never talked about it. In fact, this is my first time even admitting to having low-self esteem. I think people look at me and see a confident person, but if I'm being honest that confidence was rooted in my grades. Something solid and tangible, something that I could use to prove that I was smart. Yet, I couldn't do the same with my beauty. Beauty is not tangible. You can't hold it in your hands. You can't do a math equation to find it. And there's no right answer to it. So why does society try to do that? Society puts one idea of "beauty" on a pedestal and says that's the goal. So, it's been engraved in our minds that people who don't fit into that box aren't beautiful. It's even crazier when "beautiful" people admit to not feeling as beautiful as they are.
I think self-esteem revolves around comparison. It's too easy for us to compare our beauty to others. A quote from twitter I loved (you know I'm a thot for twitter) is : another person's beauty is not the absence of your own. That stuck with me because I've never realized that. Just because one girl is undeniably gorgeous but looks nothing like me, does not mean I am not gorgeous too in my own right. Beauty is not measurable like I said before. It comes in various forms, but one beauty is not less beautiful than the other. Sunrise looks different than Sunset but are they not both adored? Simply put, stop the comparisons!
Oh, and its bad that you can't take a compliment. Don't automatically put yourself down when someone says you look nice, or tells you a feature about yourself that they just adore. You deserve praise. You look good! The wrong person will observe your tendencies to deny your worth, and use that as a way to manipulate you. So having high self-esteem is not arrogant, it is advantageous to you and we all have the right to it.
To close, you have to love yourself. I refuse to see anybody not doing it.
Now let's get into relationships:
In my opinion, I think the whole concept of relationships is forced on teenagers. It's starting to feel like if you don't have one then you're doing something wrong. Do you know how many times I've googled "how old were you when you got your first boyfriend?" on freaking Yahoo Ask or Quora, (yikes.) And the responses were typically 21-23 or people were 24 who still weren't in a serious relationship. So why am I sitting here feeling like I need a relationship to feel better about myself? That is a bad concept that is being forced on teenagers.
This has led people to enter relationships just to say that they're in one. Now, this isn't to bash anyone who is in a relationship (go you, love that for us!), but it's simply too have people rethink their purpose for wanting to be in a relationship.
A partner should add to your life experience, not becoming the whole purpose of your existence...I read somewhere that a relationship is not two halves coming together, its two wholes forming a bond that elevates them as individuals. That's sappy but me being the spiritual dork that I am, it makes sense to me. On top of that, the first thing I wanted to do when I came to highschool was find a boyfriend. That's pretty weird. But, it's not even my fault because that's what the world made high school seem like, it made it seem like high school was the time to find your "high school sweetheart." Yeahhh, I'm over it.
Being in a relationship is not the only thing going for you. If you find it, that's great! If you don't, that's okay too...don't go searching for it.
You know how I just told you you have to love yourself? Well, the funny thing about doing that, is realizing that no one else can do it for you.
Now let's put them together:
Entering a relationship to fill a void or to seek validation is like putting a band-aid on a deep wound. The relationship is the band-aid and the wound is self-esteem. That shit cuts deep. No band-aid is going to heal it any faster. Literally and figuratively, you must tend to the wound and give it time to heal. Putting a band-aid on it is just a means to temporarily ignore it and maybe make it worse...
People want a relationship without the work. The work in this case is bettering yourself, better yet your self esteem.
I realize that I was pining for a boyfriend for so long, while ignoring the fact that I didn't love me.
Not being in a relationships does not = low-self esteem. High self-esteem does not = being in a relationship. They are not proportional, inversely or directly! Self-esteem and relationships are two different entities and I feel like not enough pressure is put on us as individuals to elevate ourself esteem.
Lucky for me, whenever I have had doubts about my self-esteem, I've had people to tell me I'm beautiful and been surrounded by people who love me. I realize that not everyone has that--people who tell you, "you're beautiful" or "you're doing great." That's not okay. I feel like because I've had great examples, when I did find myself feeling low I was able to reel myself back in. If you ever find yourself in those self-esteem droughts remember this:
- everyone has aspects about themselves that someone else wishes they had, so embrace everything about yourself. We all admire things about each other so we should all have an equal amount of high self-esteem
- we all have secret admires that think we're the freaking cats meow, but just haven't said anything. EYE have had tonssss of crushes who I just wanted to....okay not the point, but I never said anything, so keep your head up!
- If you ever find yourself putting down another person, ask yourself "why did you do that?", "are you feeling insecure at the moment" because no self-esteem issues get solved by putting another person down.
- never change yourself to fit someone else's standards. It's so refreshing and motivating to see someone be 100% themselves, so be that person.
- fake it until you make it! Cliche, but it saved (and saves) my self-esteem. Sometimes, you just feel like ishh, but you have to pretend to be the most confident person in the room. Who will really know the difference? You are always allowed to work on yourself.
Self-esteem is a mountain you constantly have to climb. Sometimes you slip, and fall down a few pegs...it's not something you fix overnight. However, it gets better, you slip up less, and that all comes from acknowledging it and working on yourself. I still deal with low self-esteem, but I know how to remind myself that I will forever be the b****, que Megan Thee Stallion!
Genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, if you ever feel low come talk to me. I will GLADLY remind you that you're that bitch, girl or boy. If I was ever in a beauty pageant and they asked me a world issue I would like to resolve, it would be low self-esteem because nobody
should ever feel like they aren't worth it. I've said mostly everything I had to say. MORAL OF THE STORY: don't use a relationship to heal the problems with your self-esteem, work on yourself first.
As for me, I'm a Lisa Simpson for now.
~Okay bye! Tell a friend!