As the year of all years comes to a close, I've had a revelation about my existence on this large rock floating in the sky. Let's get into it:
*thinking out loud*
I always put other people's feelings before mine--like nine times out of ten. I don't know if I should consider that a downfall or a triumph?
Well, firstly, I won't post certain things because I don't want anyone to think I'm talking about them. Either that, or I won't say something to someone because even though I know I have a point I don't want them to be offended.
I never lie though, I'm not talking about that. If you ask me a question I will answer it honestly, but I'm talking about putting down my own wants or sacrificing my sanity to make sure everyone I interact with never feels like they're doing something wrong. Meanwhile, people are hurting my feelings because they feel like they can, or don't know they're doing it at all.
I call it a triumph becayse I feel like it makes me more aware--a "good" person you could say, but sometimes a downfall because I put hypothetical reactions above my wants in the moment. And I don't blame anyone for it, it's all me.
Do I wanna stop? Yeah, to an extent. It's easier said than done though.
I've always had a problem speaking up for myself. I always say to myself that it's not that deep and brush things off, which has only ever hurt me in the end when I finally dumped it on the person and they're like "well I'm not a mind reader."
Someone please tell me where the mind readers hang out at.
The second piece of this revelation--I gotta stop the nonchalant attitude because its very obvious that I care. Don't get me wrong, there are many things I really do not care about, but a lot of times I don't give myself permission to care about things. That is not healthy. For example, I'll say something doesn't bother me, but later realize that it actually did bother me like, "wtf."
Additionally, I know I say "sorry for being annoying" or "okay bye nobody cares", but that is not fair to myself. I really don't give a fuck if I'm being annoying or if anybody cares at all, I only say that because of me putting other peoples feelings before mine. (and y'all very well may not find me anoying or may care, the world will never know).
As I'm transforming on the outside to a more confident version of myself I want to be more comfortable with my insides. I don't think I've done enough mental growth (its a mess in there). I think I'm always trying to prevent myself from making a mistake or saying the wrong thing that I end of making ten thousand mistakes instead of just *being*.
So now the dilema is now that I know this, how do I apply this to everyday life? How do I make it so that this time next year I'm not here saying the same thing?
I've always liked the saying"it's better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission."I guess I'll start with that.
Moving forward, I'm going to speak up for myself. I don't blame other people for anything because I have to be the one to say when something is bothering me. It's also telling myself that I'm worth standing up for even if I don't think its that "deep." It is that deep because I'm just as important. I find myself so worked up over the long term effects that I don't address what's happeing right now. I have to get out of my head about the "what-ifs" and just do what's right in the moment.
Respectfully, from this moment on I'm gonna *try* to do whatever I wanna do and speak up for myself when its warranted because nobody puts my feelings before theirs so why should I do that for other people. That's weird.
~Thank you for reading! Okay, bye! Tell a friend to tell a friend!
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