Wtf is life man? That's such a deep and important question, and it holds so much weight. I hate to be dark and depressing but everything in our existence isn't sunshine and rainbows. I consider myself a pretty positive person. That definitely doesn't mean I walk around bearing smiles everyday, but I like to only surround myself with positivity. When I see sad news of someone passing away on Facebook I quickly scroll past. When I see a story of war in Yemen I sign a petition but I don't dare read the details. My mom tells me stories of girls getting kidnapped or sexually assaulted and I get mad at her for telling me; I try my best to push out the story from my memory and pretend like it never happened. Simply put, I try my best to remain in my bubble of goodness and non-life-threatening drama. However, Twitter has taught me the dangers of toxic positivity. Toxic positivity stems in denial and minimization. As an empathetic person, sad news hits me hard because all I do is imagine that person's pain. So I suppress the learning of bad news, I try to distract myself. Though, there are times when it all overwhelms me. So you can imagine how my 2020 has been going. Deaths on top of deaths on top of sad stories, but mainly deaths. I don't cope with death well. My coping mechanism is avoidance. I don't wanna talk about how someone's death has affected me with anyone else and I don't want to hear about the death, if that makes sense. Death is so puzzling to me. Here one day, gone the next.
Life and death...In life, we all follow the same rules set up long ago, but in the end really mean nothing. I think about my life a lot. Is it gonna mean anything? Can it mean anything if there are people who are living in devastating circumstances? Nothing bad has ever happened to me, personally. I've never lost a close family member, never witnessed an accident, never been truly traumatized--stuff just happens around me. I feel guilty because although my particular existence isn't that shitty, people are struggling. People are unhappy. I don't wanna live in a world where people are numb to death. I don't want to live in a world where everyone can't be reasonably happy. Oh how I wish we'd all only have "rich people problems." But, no. Shit is just sooo much deeper than that, just so corrupt: hunger, poverty, climate crisis, legislation, the fucking President of the US, capitalism, homelessness, sexual assault, abortions, LGTBQ+ rights, racism, police brutality, terrible school systems, I could literally go on. I hate it here. We're all just breathing to die and then hurt our loved ones. That's so dark, omg. Writing this I realize I sound so privileged whining about other people experiencing loss. There's no happy ending to this. When you come up for air from the everday hustle and bustle you can't help but feel helpless and pointless. These last few months have been that from me and I've had some low lows.\\This was a shorter one, just to get some feelings out. Thanks for reading it actually helped me to write this. bye. <3