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Writer's pictureKayla Miller

how to fail astronomy 101:

A guide, step by step. Certain names changed for legality reasons.


  1. Move into your dorm, say goodbye to your family, and then awkwardly find and say hi to the people you chatted with on instagram over the summer.

  2. Go to first collection, set paper on fire with five randos you just met.

  3. Sit in small big chairs (don't know the word that starts with an a) at night with two of the randos. Talk about everything--dreams, goals, people, hopes. Manifest that people will serve you food. Two boys come and actually serve you free food. Woah.

  4. Go to XYYZ party, leave bags behind stone wall unknowingly right next to bag with alcoholic substances. Get bags "stolen" later to be found out they were confiscated by campus security. Search everywhere for bags. Great bonding experience.

  5. Go to Media and get boba with hallmates. Boba was eh, vibes were 10.

  6. Go to Crum Woods at night. Be terrified. See someone else in the woods with you. Run. Never go at night again.

  7. Go to library, a lot! But not to actually do work. Meet with your friends there and be obnoxiously loud (on accident).

  8. Lie in grass often. Meet there to sit on blanket, eat, sleep, laugh.

  9. Join fencing. Scream in tunnel on your way back from practice. Nobody will know it was you.

  10. Go to Hogwarts Hall EF 3rd floor, a lot. Maybe too much. Play sequence, codenames, and watch tv shows on a Thinkpad. Meet...interesting characters. Laugh a lot.

  11. Explore all of Crum Woods (during the day this time). Take lots of cool pictures and take hiking off your bucket list.

  12. Take picture with randos who are now not so much randos in front of the Mystery Machine. After this, go roller skating and meet an...interesting character at the rink. Never forget him. New inside joke unlocked. Great bonding experience.

  13. Meet Astro in Astro, lol. He's cute.

  14. Go to Dull's a lot. Do not eat the cheesecake. Talk about everything.

  15. Host a presentation night! Have everyone share their stories about high school friends and old lovers/crushes. Laugh a lot. Great bonding experience.

  16. Dress up for halloween. Peepoop, a cow, a cowgirl, a cheetah, and a cdho.

  17. Fail Astro Midterm 1

  18. Go to poetry open mic night with your friends and have one absolutely demolish it. Take photos of her like she's a celebrity.

  19. Presentation night part 2. Find out your friend kissed a republican. Find out your friend's dad is a registered republican because this way the government won't mess with his vote. Learn a lot. Laugh a lot.

  20. Spend many nights in Dancer, not doing work of course. Have dance parties in the study rooms. A lot of dance parties.

  21. Fail Astro Midterm 2, a little worse than you failed the first one.

  22. Super cool dope amazing friends host you a surprise birthday party. Be shocked and feel utterly grateful that people give a fuck about you. Cry all night. Break a broom stick while trying to hit a piñata...while your blindfold was off.

  23. Go to Primal Scream. Break your friend's eardrum. She will later recover.

  24. Take sunset phots for astronomy x3 by the field. NARP breaches the athletic barrier.

  25. Slowlyyyy quit fencing.

  26. Stay up till 11pm during finals week dancing inside a classroom and doing live performances of Partition and other hit songs. Run around said classroom as fast as you can until you are out of breath. Spin around in chairs until you are dizzy and see if you can walk in a straight line.

  27. Winter Break! The semester is over and you have "somehow managed to pass" Astronomy! Barely.

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