I started listening to Tems' discography a few weeks ago. I'm a whore for compelling song titles and I can usually tell when I'm gonna get attached to a song based on the song title. I knew "Wait for U" would be a keeper, along with "Yo No Soy Celoso" (both not by Tems), and once I pressed play I was proven right. The title of this is post is inspired by Tems' song titled, "Avoid Things". Now, I think she talking about a dude in that song, but the chorus still hits. But, yeah, just some context.
I don't know why I try to avoid things. That's a lie. I know why. The problem with me is that I am painfully self-aware. Except for when I'm not because you can't know what you don't know. I know the reasons behind my madness, the basic psychological roots. The kid has issues, like everyone else. Sometimes when I'm really sad about something because my avoidance has finally caught up with me it's comforting to realize that everyone has issues. But sometimes, that isn't comforting. It shouldn't be normal that we all have heavy stuff that we have to carry with us and be alright with enough to carry out "everyday" life.
A lot has happened this past week. You know, I don't have to say. It is ginormously heavy. This country, this world, it is in very bad condition. I know bad is not a word the best describes the situation we have on our hands but there are quite literally no words. I think about the Civil Rights movement and how a few years ago people who looked like me were fighting for basic equality. Things changed right? Like on some level, even if very small? So change like that is possible again, right? Then I think about how change has been unprecedented in the past. Maybe the change we deserve has just never been seen before, but it's still coming, right? I worry, a lot. But then I think about the fact that in the end we all die. If the world combusts because we never tried to stop climate change would we even know it in the end because we'd all be dead. But that's not a good outlook because it avoids the principle of the matter. On some level, I'm scared. I haven't been engaging much with the recent efforts to repeal abortion because some part of me believes that we can't seriously be having this conversation. There's no way. Like how is this even being taken seriously. It makes me angry, and scared. But I don't wanna feel scared, so I scroll past. I tell myself its ridiculous to be scared. It's just life. Deal with it and try to make it out alive. I think I'm afraid because if I were to actually take a good look I'd find out that there's nothing I can do. Like what can I actually do? I don't wanna feel that hopeless. I write this because in twenty years I wanna look back at this and see that things didn't get worse. Or I want the little kiddies with their digital textbooks in their little space class to see that there were people with hope in the world left, they just felt really helpless. I avoid the larger big scary institutional systematic injustice and oppression because if I were to pull my head out of the water someone might just come and knock me the fuck out. Stuff like this should put a fire under one's ass to go make change! But it really just makes me wanna stay in bed all day and watch tv. Then I worry that if everyone is doing what I'm doing then who's actually doing something? But do I even wanna take that on? I think my advice to myself would be to keep doing what I can on a smaller level to better the things I actually have control of. It's reminding myself to take it one step, or piece, at a time and not trying to solve the whole puzzle at first glance. Corners, then edges, then the middle, and then boom. Even if the puzzle never gets finished I'll leave this realm knowing that I contributed something. I think that's important. Giving what you can, filling up the edges of the puzzle so it's easier for the next person to come and finish based on what you gave. That calms me a bit. I'm still scared, but what the fuck is being scared gonna do?
one day, one hour, one minute, one step, one piece, one person at a time. when you finally turn around there'll be a whole bunch of ones behind you. One last note, I am very very tired of a selected few deciding the fate of millions. Why didn't anybody wanna listen to Brutus? Like, cmon. APGOV was really my class and if I didn't believe that all interactions as a politician eventually leads you to become corrupt and harm the people you said you would protect then I would become a politician, but I can't do that. You either end up not being able to actually do the "progressive" thing you promised because you can't work within a system that is structurally flawed and sellout in some form or you end up burnt out and crushed because, again, you can't do what you set out to do because the system is set up against you. We need to start over, but then that's scary because we don't want no Lord of the Flies, Purge, Animal Farm type shit. People get NASTY when it comes to power. Even though I just said we can't work within a foundationally flawed system I am gonna try to learn more about the current people in power (like in the House of Reps and Congress) because I am very tuned out when it comes to politics, it really don't move me, but it is good to be aware. (Lowkey, I do know who's in power and I choose not to engage because they are some of the dumbest humans on the planet, like I would laugh but it's so scary that they have power that I just can't. This country is so unserious, yet so dangerous.) This also means talking to people in real life about the stuff that's going on and not just engaging on social media. Real life conversations are really so stressful to me because when someone says something that I don't agree with on a foundational level it really makes me never wanna talk to them again, fr LMAO. It makes me look at them differently and I kinda enjoy the bliss I had before knowing certain people's stance on things. You don't know what you don't know.
Also, I read on twitter that Joe Biden is a bad leader because he's a sagittarius rising and they always wanna philosophize, but never wanna start the action. That's what twitter said not me no offense to my sag risings. I had to bring astrology into it to even out this political talk, sorry not sorry.
All in all, I still have hope--blame it on my Sagittarius sun. This is not a guarantee that I won't continue to avoid things and emotions so we will likely be here again next year singing the same tune. For some semi-humorous media on this I recommend Who Is America? on Showtime made by Sacha Baron Cohen and Borat also by Sacha Barron. I really like Sacha Baron Cohen hopefully he's not a weirdo.
xoxo gossip girl.
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