2/13/22
Remember all those years ago (like two) when I wrote the infamous and beloved, "It's okay to not be okay"? Well friends, it is two years later and I still have not taken my own advice.
This week has been a weird one, and not just for myself. Something has got to be in retrograde. I am just in a state of "ehhness". There are no words to describe how I'm feeling and to be honest, I don't even know how I'm feeling. Maybe empty.
In moments of sadness when I have the misfortune of other people being there to witness it, I get asked: "what's wrong?", "what do you need me to do?", "what's going on?"
I don't know if I've ever answered to any of those questions honestly ever. I always say, "nothing." Then again, I don't think this answer is dishonest because I've actually convinced myself that nothing is wrong. Either this or I give a watered down version of what's wrong. (Really exposing myself aren't I). I talked about this a little in "It's okay to not be okay", but I never allow myself to be upset about things because I convince myself that I'm being self-aware. There are other people who have it worse, there are real reasons to be upset, proximity to something bad happening does not mean I am allowed to be upset about that bad thing happening. Right?
It wasn't until a recent event where my body took over my mind that I realized that I was lying to myself. I quite literally started shaking. I had convinced myself that I was fine and distanced myself from it. I had downplayed my proximity to it and tried to believe that I had no right to be upset.
The right to sadness is always something I grapple with. Do I have a right to be upset about this? I'm no psychologist, but I think that just ties back into self-doubt and insecurity and lowkey imposter syndrome. Why don't I back myself up? Why am I so quick to harden up about huge things that I should be upset about? Why do I distance myself emotionally from these things? Why do I believe that I am not entitled to sadness? Why do I believe that sadness is something you have to be entitled to? Not just the feeling of sadness, but any feelings that come from being affected by something. Some of these questions are rhetorical, but then again I really don't know.
I know that my emotions are valid blah blah blah, but...it's a weird thing I don't know how to explain in the hypothetical/theoretical sense and I do not fancy giving you the specific examples.
I harm myself a lot under the guise of being "self-aware".
I don't know if I want to feel those emotions or tell people what's wrong. Telling people what's wrong is not something that I secretly crave, but from common sense I know it'd probably help. I always gage my feelings about something with the notion that if you can't write about it then you really got some processing to do. Being able to journal or just write whatever is wrong down is so powerful, because to write it down is to admit that it is true and that it happened.
Right now all my venting is separated across different people, like a chopped up dead body in Criminal Minds scattered across a city. I imagine having a therapist is like having the fully assembled body ready for autopsy. (Sorry for the dark analogy, but it was the most fitting one.)
That's all for now. But, who's to say this isn't just another failed attempt at being self-aware.
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