This post is more like a journal entry so *warning*: feelings and emotions lie ahead. I know, gross.
We're currently in quarantine if you weren't aware (I wouldn't blame you because most people aren't acting like it) and it has led me to do some self-reflection. That hasn't been the healthiest thing for me because somehow I've trapped myself in a cycle of negative thoughts. This quarantine has caused me to regress back into who I was before, the version of myself that I was trying to better. That Kayla was so self-critical, so insecure, so sad but still pretended to be okay all of the time. I feel that Kayla creeping back in, and if I'm being honest it feels like she's taken over.
I've never considered myself an overthinker. I just simply cannot focus on one though long enough to do so, but with this quarantine I have all the time in the world just to think. There aren't the everyday distractions or petty little dramas that can distract me from me inner-thoughts. I sit at home all day just thinking. For me, its not as simple as to just go outside. My mother is the biggest germaphobe on the planet. When I do go outside with her there's so many restrictions, and I just hate being told what to do. So me being stubborn, I rather stay inside where I can do whatever I want.
Regardless, being inside isn't the problem. The problem is I'm having the biggest identity crisis ever, and up to this point I've successfully avoided it but now its manifesting. Simply put, I'm depressed. That's very hard for me to write so no I'm not just saying it because I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm scared of the future , not because of corona, fuck corona. I'm scared because I have to make all these decisions about the rest of my life--about college, about what I want to be when I'm older, where I want to be. I honestly don't want to deal with it. And I hate talking to people because its never been useful. I like to stumble upon advice, I hate when its given to me just because I tell someone that I'm not okay.
I'm not okay. But I have to deal with it, and I have to fix it.
I was doing so good. Or was I? Now that I think about it, I was just pushing things off for me to deal with them in the future. Unfortunately, the future is happening right now. But, this is even more than dumb school problems. It's about me. I'm weird. I like sitting on zoom calls talking to my favorite teacher even when I don't have to, I like white people music but I also love hip-hop and rap--there's a mood for everything, I like watching Indie movies and blockbusters because I love a good fight scene. I'd probably prefer to stay at home than to go out. I still order dolls off of Amazon because I think dolls are so pretty, and the only person who knows I still do that is my mother. I love sims, I like watching Let's Plays like they're tv series. It's embarrassing but it brings me peace. I like makeup, and I love unicorns and I love pink (as much as I denied it when I was younger). I'm weird. i'M nOt LiKe OtHeR peOpLe. I don't feel understood. I think that if anybody really knew how dorky I actually am, it would change how they view me, I know how early 2000s of me. Tuh!
I feel like I'm constantly trying to prove myself to other people. If you think about it, so many other people know so many other versions of yourself. It's been so hard overcompensating and being someone that I'm not. It's hard pretending like I have everything together, and its hard for me to admit when somethings wrong. I want to practice what I preach but its so hard, and sometimes I don't know who I am. Everybody has a talent, a passion, a goal and I feel like I don't have any. Everything has came so easy for me but the talent or passion isn't.
I'm just being honest, so this might not have the happy message that I usually try to attach to the end of these posts. I was watching the YouTuber named Kai Foster, and she was just being so honest and raw. Yes she's smart but she's honest that she doesn't have everything together and she's gone through with so many things and then changed her mind because it made her happy. I like that she's honest about that. I wanna be honest, I wanna change my mind because I can. Identity Crisis sucks (I have no idea how to make that plural so just imagine that its plural in your head). Hence the title, I'm trapped in that phase of changing myself while still holding on to the negative versions of my old self. Not suicidal. Think that needs to be said...
I hope that I can get to a place where I understand my purpose. I have been searching for it forever. I'm really valuing honesty right now. I'm at a place where I want to be more honest with myself and others. I also realize that I have flaws and that its okay, but at the same time I shouldn't try to create problems with myself that aren't there. Lastly, that I can keep a victim mindset. I can take control of my life, but for right now I just need to wallow in it for a little. That always helps.
If you've made it this far, you're a trooper. You should buy yourself some ice cream. Thanks for letting me emotionally dump myself onto this electronic paper. I never want my sadness to be meaningless so that's why I try to reflect on it...usually publicly, lol. You're the best!
~Okay bye! Tell a friend!
