Something funny happened to me. Ever since I got hate crimed on my way to campus one night I’ve been paranoid that someone will try something again. So one night, I decided to carry my mace in my hand (If mace is illegal this is definitely not what I had in my hand). So anyways, I’m walking with the mace in my hand and I get to the apartment party I’m going to. It's the end of summer, but that’s when it starts to get really hot and muggy so I was sweating by the time I got there. I get upstairs and I’m wiping sweat from my face. After saying my hi’s I feel a burning sensation on my face that only continues to grow in intensity. That is when I realize that I have mace on my face, specifically my cheeks, right under my eyes. I walked hurriedly to the bathroom and splashed water on my face, but when I looked around there were no paper towels. So I just had to use my hands, probably still lingering with mace (I washed them before I threw water on my face), to get the water particles off and return to the party without looking like I had just dowsed myself with water. At that moment, for some reason while looking at myself in the mirror, I felt like I had ripped this scene out of an episode of Insecure. Mace still lingering on my face (and still burning), I returned to the party.
I’ve been back at school for going on almost a month now and I’ve already fucked up. I’ve fallen back into old patterns--patterns I said I wanted to fix and I’ve struggled to stay focused on my work. Don’t get me wrong, the stuff I’m doing is interesting and I love my courses, I just…don’t want to do anything…
It's a sunny Friday morning, I have no classes, and yet I've locked myself away in Cornell library—the basement, at that. Why am I doing this to myself? I got up and left. It’s only the first week of classes and I’m already exhausted. Hell, I was exhausted after the first day of classes. You know how Beyoncé said no one makes albums anymore? Well, Professors don’t do syllabus days anymore. Why in the world are we jumping into class lectures on the first day? Why do we have readings to do before the FIRST day of class? Here I am thinking that I was going to get out of every class early, but girl I forgot where I went to school.
When I came back to school for junior year I told myself that I’d have a routine. I wouldn’t wander around aimlessly wasting time or waiting for something to happen to me. I’ve failed :( It’s just so exciting to be in a place with everyone your age so I guess some part of me missed that and expected things to be happening all the time, but there literally is nothing happening. I just need to chill out though. I tattooed the phrase, “Everything in time” on my knee because I need to remind myself to be patient and take things one day at a time. I am so so impatient. I don’t even know what it is that I want to happen.
I really can tell that my prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed. I make decisions so impulsively. In the moment it feels like I’m thinking it through, but that all gets blindsided by my impatience and my desire to see a reaction.
I am insanely bored. There’s a lot happening this school year, but I guess I had this expectation that it would all be immediate. But no, just typical me trying to avoid my readings and find some fun on a Tuesday afternoon after classes. Maybe that’s why I jam packed my schedule before--so it felt like I had something to do. But honestly, I don’t want to do the things I have to do. My mom says my favorite thing to say is, “I’m bored.” But at the same time, I never know what it is that I want to do. I’m disappointed with life. Fun things should just be happening to me, but instead it feels like long stretches of nothing.
This summer was so fun and random. I felt so free; I was traveling between campus and home, and then I visited Boston to see my friends. I spent so much time on the train sitting in thought thinking about what life is about. On the train I was heading somewhere (obviously), right now I cannot get a gauge on what is happening in life. Everything is great right now, peaceful even, and I am so grateful for that. I’m frustrated with myself because I can’t take a peaceful moment for what it is. I wish that I wouldn’t always crave more than what I have after things become consistent. I got what I asked for, didn’t I?
I need to get off campus, get on a train to Philly without knowing where I’m going and just vibe for the day. Feel something. The fear of being lost. The excitement of new scenery. Shut up for once about how bored I am.
I read a book recently called A Woman’s Place. It’s a fictional story about a group of Black women who met in college and follows them in the years that follow after university. It was so captivating, I could not peel my eyes away from it. It’s crazy when a book literally spits out thoughts and feelings you didn’t know a random author somewhere could feel. The book was written in the 80s, but so many of the lines resonate. I’m reading it for a directed reading--a thing where you link up with a Professor and you can design your own course. So, that is the only reason why I was able to finish the book in this school economy. Anyways, I really enjoyed the book, it helped me read before bed rather than scroll on my bed the hours before so I’m really grateful for it.
I wish I had more exciting things to tell you. Someone somewhere said you should be doing things that make for a good story. (I wrote it down in my notes app randomly at 12:44am) I need to do more things that make for a good story. I’m willing to commit to the bit, and honestly if I tell myself that I’m doing something random for the blog, for YOU, then I think it’ll get me to do more of the things I wanna do. I will not have a boring year. I refuse. Boring people get bored and I need to be more willing to do the things a rational version of my mind may not do. Just for the sake of something happening! I could die tomorrow, I can't go out like this. Okay.
I’ll keep you updated.
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