panic.

A few days ago, I had my first panic attack. In the moments leading up to the panic attack, I was worried about my heart. I do this thing where I fixate on something inside my body that could lead to sudden death. for a while it was my breathing. What if my lungs suddenly collapsed and all the air stopped flowing to my brain? What if my throat randomly closed up and I could no longer breathe? I got sick recently and swore it was covid, (i’d taken three tests days apart and they were all negative), but what if the tests were wrong and I did have covid, which meant I’d been reinfected, which increases my chance of long covid, which means that I could very possibly have a heart attack. The thoughts about my body and my mortality thrash around when I lie down in my bed at night. I've been so preoccupied with my death in a way that only ever happened occasionally before. I haven't had a peaceful moment before I fall asleep in months. Last night I prayed to God that it would stop.

I've been fixating on my heart. People my age are having heart attacks now, what if that happens to me? The thoughts start going crazy and my heart starts beating faster and i’m thinking what if now’s the moment, what if my mom finds me here dead and then my heart starts beating even faster, almost outside of my chest and then I realize this feeling is familiar. But it’s one I’ve only ever felt when I was high. And then some part of me realizes that I'm having a panic attack for the first time sober and that panic attacks occur like this and not in the distant super heavy breathing way I imagined. It feels like my heart is beating outside of my chest and that my entire body is about to explode. I flew off my bed to sit on the floor and I started counting the things I could see, hear, feel, and smell. I checked my pulse with two fingers on my neck and told myself that my pulse wouldn’t be pulsating if I was dead or dying. I took a deep big breath in from the depths of my stomach and told myself that air wouldn’t be flowing through my nose if I was dying. I turned around and faced myself in the mirror that hangs on the back of my door. I told myself that I am okay, that everything is okay and that I am having a panic attack. In that moment my reflection is my guiding light. I am going crazy on one side and so calm on the other side.

I finally calmed down and I told my reflection that I did so good. Half of me saying it to the side of myself that just had the panic attack and the other half thanking my reflection for being so good at calming myself down.

This experience reminds me of the book turtles all the way down by John Green, but I think she had ocd. Nonetheless she had this fear that some bacteria would eat her from the inside and cause an infection so she drank hand sanitizer. Reading it when I was younger I thought it sounded like hell, and while I'm not drinking hand sanitizer this internal battle with my mind is tearing me apart. My thoughts are my hell.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. Do you know what my copay is? $15. I’ve been avoiding the doctor, well I think for two reasons. I'm afraid of what they’ll tell me (even though for the most part I think I'm healthy but then again who knows??) and two because of the weird guilt of using my insurance. Even though that’s what insurance is for ??? I didn’t know the doctor cost money until i went for the first time by myself and i paid the copay and that for some crazy reason that I can’t rationalize freaked me out and I don’t go to the doctor often anymore. I also got tired of being weighed lol.

I’m writing this while I’m back at school, and while I have had another slight panic attack, I haven’t been as consumed by these invasive intrusive thoughts. I went to the doctor (finally, and my new one is a Black woman ayeee. My previous doctor quite literally disappeared a few months ago and we only found out because my mom saw the building was for sale.) and for the most part I have a clean bill of health. I am deficient in a few vitamins but that is neither here nor there. My fear of heart attack stopped almost instantly after just going to the doctor 😭.

I share all this to say that maybe this is indicative of the times we’re living in. Health anxiety is real and valid, especially when there is a disease causing unknown health risks.

Idk. I just know that I am not the only person this happens to. I know that I’m not the only person who finds it harder to breathe at night--whether that be from anxiety or just a result of our bodily function. I find solace in the nighttime because I’m able to write at night, but the night also scares me. It’s when I can sit with the realities of the world and it's when I feel the most alone.

But last night, I had a really good dream. I was in love and someone asked me to be their girlfriend (It was Kit Connor from Heartstopper LMAO and his girlfriend proposal was Disney themed). I woke up and I was so mad because that was a great dream. Sleep has felt scary for awhile, and I’m sad because it hasn’t always, but I hope it can get better. For the most part my naps are amazing so maybe sleeping during the day--when I have no worries, is the rest I’ll have to rely on. I do hope that the night becomes less scary and that it becomes the place I feel safe to be alone in again. To better sleep!