04/08/22
Just yesterday I thought to myself that it had been a week since I thought about you passing. That’s the longest I’ve gone since September. I thought that was a sign that it’s getting better. I was just dancing in my room. I was in a great mood, an amazing mood even. I felt real unfuckwitable. I had just finished my laundry (it was so hot down there). I put my pajamas on, put the bonnet on, got in my bed and was still listening to music. There I was listening to the Unthinkable remix with Drake and Alicia Keys. Then I thought of you, something made me think of you, and I just lost it.
There was a second of confusion where I couldn’t tell if I was crying because the lyrics were hitting or if it was because of you. It was the latter, which is less embarrassing so a silver lining I guess.
Here, I thought I was better. It’s been about eight months since you passed, but I remember hearing the news like it was yesterday. I was all alone in a new place miles from everyone and I couldn’t breathe. I was fortunate enough to have never had any close relatives pass away, so processing all these new feelings in a strange place was hard to deal with. But somehow I pretended like everything was okay, at least when I left my room. That’s how I know it was bad. My dramatic ass overreacts to everything and the fact that I was, I guess still, is concerning.
It doesn’t feel normal, and it doesn't feel right. It feels like I’m stuck in an alternate universe and I can’t get out of it.
I don’t like to talk about grief because the way I’ve seen it has always been so individual. You find out they passed, you go to the funeral, you cry there, the funeral ends, you never talk about those feelings again. To me, the way I’ve observed grief, aside from the funeral all mourning is done in private. Or it’s brought up in passing with a fleeting phrase that you say nothing after because you don’t want to open that Pandora’s box of grieving with other people. I never know if it’s okay. If they feel what I feel too. It’s this tension in the air that you just don’t address, not fully.
To be honest with you, I don’t know if I’d want collective grieving. I can’t handle it. I can’t imagine it. Grief feels embarrassing, it feels embarrassing to be so emotionally vulnerable and raw. I wish I had more control over it.
Generally I am very soft with myself and allow myself to feel all my emotions because I know my emotions are valid. However, when it comes to this I’ve been really rough with myself, neglectful rather. In a situation where my feelings are so valid, I just don’t let them in.
You know those people in your life that feel like a constant? Like you just know that they're always gonna be around. He felt constant.
When you died, Drake had just released Certified Lover Boy. I cannot listen to that album anymore, lol. While it helped me distract myself when all this happened, everytime I listen to it it just triggers all those emotions. Dammit. I really like those songs too.
Dear grief, you have to stop.
For all the therapist friends reading this, I know I have to talk about it eventually and that I can’t avoid my feelings and blah blah blah. Yes, I can therapize myself. I sit here typing this in my bed at 12am eating a chocolate chewy bar and I think that is self-care enough. I will be okay.
I’ve troubled myself over whether I wanted to share this or not. Everyone deals with or will deal with grief at some point, so what the hell.
P.S
If you bring this up to me in person I will act like I have no idea what you’re talking about <3. As always, I hope you’re doing well. If not, that’s okay too.
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