future

For the first time in what seems like my entire existence, I am not excited for the future. At least not the very near future.

I’ll take the blame for myself and just say that I as a person tend to live in the future. The future has always, for me, been full of hope, promise, and opportunity.

Living in the future has always provided me a great escape because it allows me to believe that things will get better. That if I give things some time, and proper preparation, that it’ll all work out in the end. But,—

For the last two and a half years it has been harder for me to have hope in the future, and that really fucking sucks. I believe a large part of living in the future is being an optimist, you can’t have hope without being optimistic. The reason this never ending feeling of lack of hope in the future is metaphorically killing me is because it means that my optimism is dying.

Sorry to the pessimistic girlies, but I cannot live in a state of negativity, doom and gloom, no hope, no point of surviving y’all like to call realism. Why is it unrealistic to be optimistic? Why is it unrealistic to have hope? Don’t answer that.

With all the shit going on it is making it really hard for me to even find joy in the little things. Even though I am physically okay, and actually not crying that much, I have really never felt lower. It’s the numbness that’s scary, at least if I was crying that’d show that I still cared, that a part of me had hope for a good future so much to the point that I’d cry about the obstacles blocking me from getting there. Now it just feels like the whole tunnel is cemented in and there is no light. I don’t want to feel that way.

I saw a tweet that said that we aren’t allowed to grieve. That in a society that has put us through so much, that even after losing millions to a pandemic, losing our time, losing our rights everyday, losing our lives that we are expected to keep going. We are expected to keep smiling and keep living life like everything is okay and normal. Frankly, we should all be depressed. We have all lost so much and some more than others. I wonder what our world would be like if we gave everyone the proper time to grieve. Not just death but…everything.

I read on my social media timeline about mass shootings, viruses, murderers, attacks, accidents, kidnappings, supreme court rulings, etc. Then I look outside, maybe go to the store, and everything is fucking normal. It’s so jarring. It’s not anyone’s fault, not the everyday person, but it’s just so scary how the world seems like its ending on my phone and then I look up and everything is moving at a normal pace outside. But, like I said, out’s not anyone’s fault. Hell, they’re probably thinking the same thing, but what choice do they have. The world isn’t gonna stop for us to grieve, for us to be scared, for us to be worried, so we have to keep going. Keep moving on like everything is normal.