whether its dumb because i never met them
or pathetic because i never will
everything i do is for my grandparents
when i make the choice to raise my hand in class
when i make the choice to push harder on an assignment
when i make the choice to be brave and introduce myself to someone new
when i make the choice to be confident and assert myself
everything i do is for them
you may think its weird to miss someone you never knew
maybe that's why i don't talk about it much
but with every story i hear, i just yearn to know more
with every picture i see of them i just stare and stare and stare at it
because it feels like that'll bring us close
when i'm sitting down and i feel at tug at my hair
when i feel a slight push on my arm
i turn around, but nothing is there
i know that it has to be one of them
reaching out for me from the other side
when things work in my favor,
i know someone's up there using their charm and pulling the strings for me.
i just know that wherever i go, they're with me
they're protecting me
they're proud of me.
i know that i'm here to take care of my mom.
my grandfather and i just missed each other
i know that something sent me so that she would not be alone.
everything i do is for my mom.
i don't think i've ever felt a more intense bond
every memory we share fulfills the fact that i'm here for a reason.
they made her, and for that i am grateful.
i don't think anyone knows how much i carry them with me,
how proud i am to say that i descended from them.
when i see a picture of them
i stare and stare and stare
because maybe that will bring them close
and for now that's all i have.
they say i have a big forehead like my grandfather
that i'm nosey like my grandmother
i treat people with kindness like my grandfather
my mom and i walk fast like my grandmother
i'm close with my great aunt like my grandfather
i know i curse a lot like my grandmother
i've never been the type to be apathetic towards where i came from
towards the people that came before me
because as a Black american, that only goes back so far
since I was young I've always created family trees
i've always sought out the answers
i flooded ancestry and myheritage with the names i knew
no cigar.
i've always been curious
because the stars aligned a thousand times for me to be here
i wanna know those stars
i'm not my ancestors' wildest dream
they're mine
i dream of the day when the puzzle pieces come together and i know the prologue to my story.
but for now,
i'll continue staring into photos.
i'll finish writing the rest of the book.
i'll color the pages for the ones who come after me.
