Life update #4 (what number are we on, y’all)?: ur monthly dose of my business
If you didn’t know, I’m on campus this summer doing an internship. This is the first summer I’m not at home and that’s been kinda hard so far. I imagined that being on campus this summer would just be an extension of campus during the school year, but with no school. Doesn't that sound like a great time? But, being on campus during the summer feels off…
I want to go home so bad, but I also want to keep doing my internship. I want to keep doing what I’m doing, but not live here, but still be here in-person for the things I need to do with said internship. I think they would call that commuting, but ‘tis not a possibility.
On this note, I feel like I’m discovering a new love for Brooklyn. I spent two weeks at home before I came back to school for the summer and those two weeks were so important to me. I explored places in Brooklyn I’ve never been--places I’d driven past but never been on foot, and hung out by myself. I felt so free and happy and yet so sad that I wouldn’t have a summer full of that in the place I was falling back in love with. Finally seeing it with a new set of eyes and a new state of independence. There are parts of Brooklyn that are definitely not for me and not mine to claim loll, but I’ve learned to take pride in the places that are fiercely mine. That even though it may mean something to someone else, it can still mean something completely different to me.
It's hard to feel ownership over a place that belongs to over a million people so I never really allowed myself to feel that way, HOWEVER, there are so many pieces of Brooklyn that are mine. so many places that hold memories, comfort, and peace.
I made it a goal while I was at home those two weeks to stay in Brooklyn and not go to Manhattan (in my defense it is easier for me to get to Manhattan by transit than it is some parts of Brooklyn). I fear I hate manhattan. Not because it's bad, but it’s just not for me. Everyone is all over Brooklyn’s d8ck right now (for good reason), but stop the gentrification fr.
When I visited home Juneteenth weekend my mom and I went to a couple Juneteenth events in Brooklyn, and honestly it was very fun. The first one we went to was Downtown Brooklyn across from BAM. There were vendors selling (really expensive) shirts, hoodies, jewelry, and other cool items. I was really tempted to buy a $70 t-shirt, but my mom shamed me with a look of disgust so I put that shit down. The event was a collaboration between 651 Arts and The Soapbox Presents; they had a dj, speakers, poets, dance contest, marching band (which I guess we missed) and overall a very cool atmosphere. The poetry really left me speechless and it felt great to see so many Black people in Brooklyn. There are Black people everywhere in Brooklyn obvi, but honestly I don’t know of many community events like that where we can just come and get free entertainment and good vibes so it’s good to see a resurgence in this; I’m also seeing this with the blockparty that happens on Tompkins Avenue every Sunday during the summer which I MUST go to, omg.
We Outside: A Brooklyn Juneteenth @TheSoapboxPresents
The second event we went to was a night at the museum at Brooklyn Public Library and the night’s theme was the philosophy of Hip-Hop. Hip-hop celebrated 50 years this year! It was cool to be there with my mom who’s 50, from Brooklyn born-and-raised, so she (and all her agemates) have witnessed the evolution of hip-hop. I love the ownership she feels over hip-hop, like many people her age she says, “I am hip-hop!”. She had a great time and got to see one of her favorite rappers, and her other favorite rapper, Jay-Z’s mom, speak at the event. Once again, it was great to go to a FREE community event in Brooklyn. We even got featured on the news 🙈
Things like this take back the block from gentrifiers that want to quiet the culture of the block. It also grants power and respect to those who have been here all along. I saw that block parties are basically banned on a few blocks in Harlem now--that’s fucking disgusting. People come for the culture, for the essence that makes these historically Black and brown neighborhoods what they are, and then they silence it, they put in these modern luxury apartments that look like fucking eyesores and that stay empty because no one can afford (or wants) to live in them. But that’s all imma say because I could actually go on for hours about how mad this makes me.
To the irony of my semi-introverted personality, I think the work I do in my life will be community based. Which will be interesting for me to navigate because how does one who is sometimes averse to social interaction going to be involved in communities. However, I think I am pretty good at being a part of a community and talking to people I don’t know. It just takes me a minute to warm up which is normal and it always works out in the end. I’m grateful for the community building I’ve done away from home because I think it’ll really help me at home. I wish I knew more young people at home tho which is why (!) I need to go to that Block party thing, because the city is too dense for me to not have any cool friends there. Word.
Anyone who knows me knows how homesick I get, how I feel about my own space, how I feel about my room(s). I hate being away from home--not because I fear the unknown, but rather because home, belonging, control, and peace is so important to me. I'm honored to have grown up where I did, sad to not be there for the summer for the first time ever (and a bit scared), but excited to try something new with the knowledge that I'll always have Brooklyn.
I say all this to say that it’s hard growing up and having responsibilities. I’m learning that growth and progress in a career may require me to be away from the place I’ve always known as home. And I’m okay with that, but I think it’s an adjustment changing from the summer always being mine to enjoy for myself to now being away from home, feeling out of place, and not having the comfort of knowing at least I get to go home at the end of the day.
Naturally, this has me thinking about the future. Where do I want to live? I feel like things like that are kinda figured out naturally--you get a job that requires you to move to another state, your mom decides to move and you follow her wherever she goes, or maybe there’s a program you want to participate in that takes you out of the country. With my career interest I could really go anywhere, the environment is everywhere and so is environmental injustice. Like I said before, I really cling to home--if I don’t have a place that feels like home I feel really off center. In a way, my beloved dorm at Swarthmore has become home for me, and because of that I know that places outside of my home in Brooklyn can become home too. I’ve developed a random fixation with going to San Francisco. I’ve been fighting it because I hate the idea of running to California, it’s the New Yorker in me, I fear it can’t have that much to offer. HOWEVER, for some reason San Francisco seems interesting to me. I just wonder if I can handle that; in theory it wouldn’t be a permanent move and it’d be nice to see the person I become in a new place.
I cannot wait to not be so transient and have my own-ish place in a city of my choice. I really just want my own place to decorate it and have people over, I honestly have no issue living with my mom. What I really need to do though is get my license and a car. I’ve been trying to visualize driving--like imagine myself doing it, so that once I get behind the wheel again it’ll be smooth sailing. I’m not afraid to drive, the only thing that’s stopping me is that I don’t have a car at school and I am scared to practice driving on the road because people are mean(!) and if someone honks at me I’ll feel really dumb lmaooo. But once I know what I’m doing it won’t matter, hell even if I don’t know what I’m doing half these people don’t know how to drive so they definitely shouldn’t be honking at me. No, but seriously, I gotta get this license immediately. I need a car because at this current moment it feels like it would make everything in life easier. No scary trains or threat of getting pushed on the tracks, no waiting for someone to drive me somewhere, no paying $30 for an uber, the list goes on. I do realize that having a car would come with its own set of costs, like actual costs, bills, dinero, pero at this very moment that seems small in comparison to no car life in a partially unwalkable town. But wait, wait, wait. Let’s back up. I am on the verge of 20. This is the last time I will be a teenager (in name because early 20s are def still teenage years) ever again in this life. I know millions, if not billions, have crossed this threshold before me. The quote “Your 20s” (because people are always saying “your twenties are the years you blah blah blah” so let's call them the quote “your 20s”) is so romanticized it makes me not even want to write about it because I want to be quirky and different. But I will write about it anyway. It feels so…weird. There’s no plan after this, I can make whatever choices I want and it's just on me. It’s like a crazy live action game of choose your own adventure, but its not a fucking a game and there’s no going back. It is so freeing, but also so random and unserious at the same time…hence the weirdness. I can buy a plane ticket out of state and not tell anybody I’m going, get on the fucking plane, and be out. I can buy a plane ticket out of the country(!), not tell anybody I’m going, get on the fucking plane, and be out. WHAT?! There is so much freedom I could cry. But that’s scary as hell. Everything is on me. I want to do so good at this life thing, and I know everything doesn’t happen in “your 20s” but these next few years feel…important. However, at the same time, I don’t feel that much pressure. Because it is on me, because I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, wherever I end up is on me and that is consequence enough (good or bad).
I’ve never been one to compare, but I think in phases in life like “your 20s” it is very easy for me to do so. Because there’s no blueprint for this shit anymore and everybody (the youtubers I watch and tik tokers) are doing all these things and I’m like how did you get that??? Then common sense sets in and I realize these people have been content creators since the age of 16 so of course she’s buying a house at 20, it's okay mama let’s breathe.
At the same time I’ve loved watching weekly vlogs from my favorite Black youtubers. Something about seeing the art that is these curated videos but also just watching them live life is so calming. My fav youtuber at the moment is Maya Beatriz--we would really be besties if we ever met in real life (she’s also a huge reason why I have fomo about not being in Brooklyn this summer lmaoo). She makes weekly hour long vlogs that I highly suggest watching, I love to just play them in the background while I get ready for the day. Seriously, I don't know what I would do without her videos. I also came across a youtuber named, jnaydaily. She’s like a lifestyle vlogger with a focus on interior design using sustainable furniture. I need to binge watch her videos because I just happened across her channel in my recommended (thank you youtube for doing one thing right), but she fits my vibe and I’m so excited to watch more of her videos.
I don’t remember if I wrote about this in my end of semester reflection, but this school year I realized how much I appreciate art and creativity. I thought art was limited to being able to physically draw or create an image on paper, but ever since I’ve been in college and explored more of social media I’ve realized the multitude of forms that art takes shape in. Art, like water, like air, is a vital part of life and it is everywhere and in everything we do.
Art that I’ve been drawn to can be summarized by the word collage, I don’t mean solely a literal collage tho. I love art that takes different pieces of the world, puts them together, and turns them into something new—something that tells a story. I went to the Brooklyn Museum and this artist took old photos of maybe her relatives who were likely from the deep south. The image was placed on a tapestry and then traced over in certain parts with colorful rhinestones. It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in my life. I feel like that’s a collage, she took a photo, a material, and (idk what you’d call rhinestones) an object (?) put it together and made something completely her own, something I’ve never seen before.
Akea Brionne's tapestries in the Brooklyn Museum
So, that’s my favorite kind of art. A collage. I think outfits are a collage, you’re taking pieces that may or may not traditionally go together and saying something unique about your taste or your style. I believe writing is a collage, at least for me. I sometimes take things I’ve written a while ago and add them to a piece I’m working on at the present moment. I trim whatever needs to be trimmed to make them flow together. When I’m writing academic essays, that’s a collage. I’m taking multiple authors’ writing and putting it together to form a unique analysis and claim. The end result of that is art, a well fucking written essay?! Oh boy, that’s art. (“oH, bOy” shut up).
All of this to say, recently I’ve felt a strong desire to be creative. I’m surrounded by so many creative people (most of them photographers which is so funny because none of them are in the vicinity to take pictures of ME) Shoutout @lani_lens, @dillonstyles_ . There are truly so many talented people around me so just know that I am in so much awe (shoutout @jhaniquelovejoy, @_clopez3, @cuhlaraaa just to name a few. I feel like I’m missing someone or several people and if I am, I'm sorry, don’t beat me up!!).
I’ve been thinking A LOT about this blog and asking myself what I want it to be. This was always meant to be a place where I dump my thoughts for those curious enough to read it, and it always will be that, but (I’ve said this to a few people) I wanna figure out a way to make this more tangible. When I first started posting, my theme was black and white. I kept my face completely off the website/instagram and didn’t even follow my personal account through the kmworded account. Slowly, I’ve incorporated more color into the logo and the page, I’ve posted a photo of myself on the website, I’ve shown more of myself on the instagram, and I’ve written about things that I thought people didn’t care about but that I do so much (and realized that people in fact do care about these things.) So, I think the way to make this feel more tangible is to include more of myself. Which sounds weird bc it’s literally a blog where I write my personal thoughts and feelings, but if I’m being honest I’ve tried to keep myself and this blog at a distance. Even when people talked to me about it in real life I cringed (and tbh I still do) but a lot less! This blog is my art or at least a segment of it because as a sagittarius I am a jack of all trades and great at so many things; I’m playing but I’m excited to see what becomes of this blog and space on the internet, I’m excited to see what I do with it and what creative idea pops into my head that transforms all of this. So, um, yeah.
I’m hoping some of that will come about this summer. So far this summer I’ve been chillin. Most days consist of me playing sims, having a dance party in my room, binge watching love island, doing work for my internship, finally socializing with other human beings, and uber eating for survival. I’ve been sitting outside which is nice, I really do get why old people like to sit on their porch and just gaze. I wanted to do that at home but my neighbors are always in the back enjoying the…trees. Anywho, I like the start my summer is off to. I’m getting a mix of suburbia and city life and it’s nice, I guess. I’ve been making tik tokssss which are cringe to post, but I enjoy making them and seeing the end product. All in all, I’m good for right now.
To close, someone asked me if I had any summer goals. I said bitch no, I’m perfect. In all honesty, I told myself NOT to make any summer goals because I just want to vibe. I’ve spent enough time trying to fix myself and go on a self improvement tour, and now I just want to exist as the person I spent so much time trying to become. So my summer goal is to not have any summer goals. BUT, if I’m being realistic I guess a goal I have is to do things that make me happy and never subject myself to any situation where I’m unhappy, even if it’s just for an hour. Leaving, because I can. Not responding right away (or at all), because I can. Saying no, because I can. Saying yes, because I can! My goal in life is to do what I want when I want and not doing something I don’t want to because I don’t want to. Something I never had to learn but always understood is that I move at my own pace. I can’t compare my pace to anyone else because I’m not living their life and they’re not living mine. So what I wish for everyone this summer is autonomy and freedom. Do what you want to do and don’t do what you don’t want to do. Word. I have no regrets in life EXCEPT for the time (singular) I did something because someone else said I should, and I didn’t already want to. So please, as you live out the summer (hopefully of your dreams) be smart about what you do and only do shit because it is really what you want. I don’t know where this sermon came from, but for some reason it popped in my brain and I feel passionate about it so clearly someone needs to hear it.
As always, thank you for reading, hope this was enjoyable, talk to you soon.
BESOS!
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