weddings

I have never thought about my wedding. My friends do, they have it all planned out. They’ve thought about their ring cut, their dress, the location, all of the details. We take turns sharing, but I always draw a blank and they end up guessing for me. Supposedly this is something they’ve thought about for a long time. I imagine my wedding and I see…nothing. I see flashes of white and glimmers, silver glimmers, shiny things! But I guess I’ve never sat down and really thought about it, and even when I did scour Pinterest nothing stood out to me.

I never enjoyed making my dolls get married. In fact, one thing I admired about Barbie is that while yes there is a wedding Barbie, she was not technically married to Ken. Ken was just Ken, a boyfriend who was obsessed with her (definitely more in love with her than she was him), came to fix things around her dreamhouse, and helped her out with her sisters. Barbie did her own thing, whether that meant flying a plane one day or going camping the next. So, when I played with my Barbies, I modeled them after her. Barbie had a family, yes, but she wasn’t married. Why get married? Everything is so serious and boringggg when they get married. Even in the sims, I don’t really like my sims to be married. Unless they’re old and there’s nothing else to do.

Why can’t I imagine my wedding? I don’t want to make myself a walking red flag, but at this stage of my young and turntness, I just can’t imagine myself legally binded to someone for the rest of my life. But, yours supposed to be able to imagine your future even if you know it's not for you right now. I can see my house, my job, my friends, my family, what wear everyday, my style, but it's crickets when it comes to that bloody wedding. Even imagining who'll be standing next to me at the altar is a game of guess who, I don't really have a type, more so an aura/kind of person I like but that's another convo. I guess I don’t dream of that day because what would that day mean for me? Yes, it’s about love and promising yourself to your one true love blah blah blah, I love that! I want that! But, do I?

If I ever got married it would have to be on very specific terms. God, I sound like a man. But seriously, is the day gonna come when I turn 35 that I feel like I just have to get married in the same way that I just have to be in a relationship right now? Am I gonna feel that societal pressure that my life will amount to nothing if they don't get married? Will I suddenly have imagined the ring and the dress style?

I don’t know if I see myself committing to someone for the rest of my life. When people ask me what age I want to get married I say 45 (For kids I say no younger than 35 which is wild, but it makes sense to ME). I enjoy the idea of experiencing different people, whether that be for a month, a year, or more. And so, I don’t see myself finding someone and being like I have to marry you, you are soulmate.

I think it's scary when I'm supposed to want things and I don't, but I'm actually not even scared. I guess what's scary is what saying, "I don't want to get married", implies. Like I want it eventually in like far away land. Don't wanna curse myself into spinsterdom cause power of the tongue and all, but 40 is looking pretty cozyyy. Idk maybe things will change. Maybe in ten years I'll be cursing my younger self out for saying such a thing and squabbling my chances. If I EVER get married before the age of 30 strike me down like I'm making a mistake no no no.

All I ever want in life is to be free. If I can find someone who I feel free with then God knows I’ll marry them on the spot. Freedom just does not seem like a synonym of marriage. But what the hell is even marriage and why the hell and I even thinking about that. I’m 19 years old am I’m young and turnt!