i don't want to be cute

I'm eighteen years old (I know, "She's just a baby) and for the first time ever in my life I feel completely enamored with my body. I've written about how when I was in middle school, ya girl got boobs out of nowhere and I fear they were quite large. No, but seriously, I hated having such big boobs at such a young age because I felt at odds with my body. Breast are very sexualized and it felt really weird having them when I still wanted to be a kid. On top of that if was terrible trying to find a bra that fit well and didn't leave me with boob fat hanging out or that wasn't unsupportive. I would never go back to that early middle school ear because I never felt comfortable, ever.

Flash forward to high school, I pretty much tried to ignore my boobs, I didn't really acknowledge them. I always had my chest covered and I really hated when I would wear something and someone would even acknowledge my boobs or cleavage, I still wanted no parts of that because I didn't want the connotations that came with having bigger boobs. Nobody outright sexualized me, or maybe I'm just not aware that they did, but I always felt like they were in the way. Not just physically though, in the way like I couldn't be cutesy or small or child-like because I had these big ass boobs in eight grade.

Then we resume in the present. When I came to college, and really in the last year, I've gotten more comfortable with my boobs. Moreso, because right now feels like the right time in my life to have the sexual connotations that comes with having breasts. So, I wear tops that show off the girls! However, now the dilemma is that I keep getting called cute and adorable. WHAT THE FUCK?!

It's so funny to me because when I wanted to feel cute I couldn't because I had Tia and Tamera hanging out on my chest, but now when I'm okay with them and the fact that I won't be cutesy, here I am getting called cute. I don't want to be cute. I want to be divinely feminine, sexy, alluring, attractive, powerful, and yet...

I've changed the way I've dressed a bit more recently. I've been shying away from the skirts and basically school girl outfit because I don't want to feel like a little kid--I also don't want to be playing a sexy schoolgirl, sometimes I feel like that's how I look. I've been trying to get away from bright colors in general because they also make me feel like a little kid.

I struggle because Black women are hypersexualized in society so I don't want to fall into the trap of trying to hone what it means to be sexy to feel powerful and then ultimately just being hypersexualized and all that agency being gone. I think that's the case for most women tho--wanting to be sexy, but that kinda backfiring because it feels like it really just benefits men.

I fear I'm typing this and can barely say the word sexy, especially in relation to myself, so I may understand why I just get called cute and adorable. If someone called me sexy I would probably shed my skin due to cringing. LMAOOO let's just scrap the whole post. Sexy is just a cringe word can we make another?

No, but I so deeply want to be sexual and perceived that way occasionally because I stare at my body and I do feel that way about myself, but what if other people don't see me that way. You know those people in your life that you could just never imagine having sex or being sexy. What if that's me?!

I'm entering an era in my life where I don't wanna hide my body. I am obsessed with tight cropped t-shirts right now, you know the white tees Meg thee Stallion wears? Yeah, love those. I like my hips! and my shoulders! and my arms! I didn't always.

I just wanna have fun and try something new style-wise (which is unfortunate because I spent all of last year updating my wardrobe, but it's okay! People change.) I folding up the skirts for now until I find a way to incorporate them into this new style. I will still be preppy! I want to get some blazers, but also some sneakers. I wanna try a preppy-sport look. I'm so excited.

To conclude, some people may never see me as sexy, but that's okay. I'm still navigating how to feel sexy, but still have my agency. That also may not happen, but that's just the world we live in.

Here is a YouTube video I watched recently that made me think of all this:

Right now, I'm pulling a lot of my style influence from Khadijah James (Queen Latifah), Tems, and Pinterest in general. Here's my Pinterest board if you want a sneak peek of what I'm going for.