Hello, friends! 2021 is coming to a close in a few days so I guess we can do a post about a little reflection or whatever. When I get bored I like to look through my camera roll and reminisce on times when I was having fun, but turns out this year my camera roll was filled with selfies. Mostly of me, but my friends snuck some of theirs in it too 🙄. Anywho, yes, my camera roll was filled of pictures of yours truly, and I'm living for it.
I've never been a super insecure person, but I have had stretches of time where I didn't really like how I looked, I think I've talked about it in other posts. I've never hated myself, but I've definitely been tolerant of myself. Meaning that I've been able to co-exist with my looks even though I may not have liked them. I fucked with my insides, but me and my outside appearance have been tussling. But now (ahora!), I've never been so in love with myself and happy with who I am, and for a long time I thought I never would be. At least not with the way I look now; I've always told myself that when I've lost weight and learned how to completely alter my appearance then I'll be happy. It's kinda crazy to me that I'm happy now and I didn't really change much.
I've probably said this before and its that I've become the version of myself that I envisioned when I was younger, but without all the alterations I thought I had to make, and also less cornier. I really loved the Tumblr, skater skirt, galaxy tights, okay? okay. era of existence, but I was too young to execute and gladly because I would jump off a cliff if I ever wore galaxy tights. I also have this weird thing where I feel like I can't actually have what I imagined, for some reason I expect disappointment. For all the psychology majors, I don't think this has any roots, I had a pretty great childhood, so I have no idea where this feeling comes from. Maybe that's just how I'm wired. I always expected that even if I planned out exactly how I would become this version of myself that I had in my head that it wouldn't come out the way I wanted so best not to try at all. I think this is also because I'm kinda bad at sticking to long term plans, I lose interest pretty fast (it's the sag in me ❤️). I'm realizing that I didn't really plan this version of myself out at all, it kinda just happened, and maybe that's symbolic of the fact that I was meant to reach this version of myself all along. It was meant to be.
That's pretty much how I feel about all of this. I've been seeing the number 333 an insane amount and one think it represents is the alignment of the mind, body, and soul. This perfectly encapsulates what's happening right now because I feel like my physical, mental, and spiritual things (LMAO I can't think of the word) are all on same plain. Like my physical self matches what I want mentally, which matches up with my soul because it was what my spirit was meant for all along. Yadayadya, long story short ya girl feels good.
I normally don't put much into angel numbers because when I google the meanings it feels like they all represent the same thing and I'm really not a bitch that sees 222 and thinks its a sign, nothing wrong with that but I am already too delusional and if I read into these numbers every time I saw them I would be impossible to reason with, lmao. I have been seeing a TON recently and I have no clue what they mean. Don't know if I'm supposed to share them or not, really not well versed with these things (might jinx it idk), but I've been seeing 1234, 1123 (Ma birthday), 333, 222 (I've seen this the least), 555, 1111and some other numbers that have personal significance. All of these I've 95% of the time seen on the clock--I'll randomly check what time it is and one of these numbers are there. I promise I'm not standing by the phone waiting, and its actually crazy because I've neverrr seen angel numbers this frequently before. Like the only ones I ever saw were 1111 (snapchat, ifykyk🙄) and 1123, so seeing all the typical ones outta nowhere is...interesting. The other day I saw 333 and 555 in person which has never happened before when I happened to glance at a building while on the bus, and another time when my cousin pointed it out. But, I'm still not reading into it.
I've never felt so good about myself right before a year ended, usually I go in with a few resolutions on how I want to improve myself (it is almost always to lose weight 😬), but right now I just feel peace and content. Of course, there are habits (like school ones) I want to improve, but this is the first year ever since I became a teenager that I didn't have a resolution to lose weight or be a completely different person. I just really don't care. The sensation of not caring feels so light, like ugh.
Over 2020 and 2021, I've done a ton of self-reflection and actions to understand myself. I've made several tiny changes over the course of two years that perfectly timed with me turning 18. Of course, I don't have it all figured out but I've finally grabbed the reigns of whatever being a teenager is. This shit was kinda ghetto, but low-key would do again lmao.
Quarantine sucked for many reasons, but I'm really grateful for it in a lot of ways because it gave me a chance to sit with myself and figure out my identity, and it seems like this was the case for a lot of other people too.
One of my life goals has been to improve my confidence because hating oneself is so draining and limiting! Re-reading some of my blog posts I was in such a...different place than the one I'm in now. BUT! I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, and like I talked about in "the art of reinventing yourself" I will not be this person forever. I will live many different lives in this body I have and this is just one of them.
I also wanna say that if you don't feel this way that that's okay too. I don't share when I'm feeling low on here because I don't know how I'll feel about having shared it in the future, and also because I don't wanna fill anyone's eyes with my own negative thoughts, but do know that I do experience feeling insecure and unconfident and that it's not as easy as I may have made it seem. I've talked about how confidence isn't linear, its more like a sin chart (calc tease 😛).
I am an optimistic person so sometimes I can make everything appear to be sunshine and rainbows a little too much. It was not an easy trip to the Kayla who types before you now. This year (or was it 2020 I always blur the two) I addressed a lot of my personal internal inner child issues, like physically voiced them outloud for the first time. Also, writing these things down (I started journaling consistently this year) and going through the emotions--crying, getting angry, etc. I tried my best to go THROUGH these emotions and not avoid them, but also not push myself before I was ready, and all in my room, lol. I am not a licensed professional, this was very much giving DIY therapy, but the first step is admitting you have a problem. And I did that a lot these two years!
This last half of 2021 was fun though. I felt really confident at college, at least appearance wise, and that was something I was really worried about. I like exceeded my expectations. Go me! When you're a Black woman, society really doesn't want you to be confident in yourself--they take that confidence and turn it into something negative. They think you have an attitude, or say you think you're all that, or arrogant, loud, difficult to work with, etc. and so they try to humble you. I always teetered the fence of trying to be confident, but also not getting stereotyped, but I simply got tired of giving the people what they want at the expense of my joy and success. (Very short summary of a larger story but the point remains).
Lastly, this may have come across a little intense, I was watching the spiritual girlies on YouTube while scrolling through Pinterest so I may have inhaled some of those vibes and rhetoric LMAO.
Anywho, its 1:24am and I am tired. I am gonna go to sleep now. I will never stop talking about confidence because mine is constantly changing, but it feels good to be in a good place right now and I hope that you are too! You should because you are that bitch and you're the only one of you that's gonna exist. Like ever. Except for maybe if you're a twin? Idk we can debate on that. But, anyways, don't waste it! That's literally the coolest thing, you are literally so cool for doing that. Okay, bye. Thank you for reading <3.
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