A long time ago I came to terms with the fact that I didn’t have any talents. I accepted the fact that there’s nothing that I am inherently good at. I can’t sing, I can't dance, I can’t act--there goes my chance at being a triple threat.
I’ve always been averagely good at things. Like I’m an okay drawer (shoutout Ms. Kappas), but I wouldn’t call myself an artist. I was okay at math in middle school so I tried to be a mathlete, but that was an epic fail and lasted exactly one competition. I never went to another, but they gave us a cool black headband with a pink line in the middle that I kept for a while (I had an intense headband phase). I danced when I was really young--tap and ballet, but that didn't stick. It always sucked when talent shows would come along in middle school and I couldn’t perform because I had nothing to show off. A bitch can’t even do magic!
Because of all this, I just assumed I was an averagely skilled person. Not super good at one thing, but can bullshit my way at being okay in a few things. It was a devastating realization because I felt boring. All the people around me seemed to be really good at one thing (or so it seemed), but nothing really ever moved me. However, I like to think that it made me stand out because at least five girls in my class liked to sing and we would have to sit through them cover Adele or Fifth Harmony, or my personal fav, “Problem” by Ariana Grande featuring Iggy Azalea. No shade girlies definitely loved spending advisory time at the end of a long day listening to you sing! Okay that was a little shady, I am quite literally just kidding. Y'all were great!
Anywho, yeah I just felt really confused because why wasn’t I naturally good at anything? Some conventional talents that I have so much respect for are people who can play instruments, especially the piano, people who are athletically skilled, especially in basketball, and people who can dance (x10). Being able to dance and be good at it is so cool, like that is the talent I’m most disappointed that I don’t have because I love dancing but I have absolutely no rhythm and I suck.
Everything I thought I was good at, ended up with me realizing that I’m not as good as I thought I was. When I was younger, I thought I was a fast runner. My favorite thing to do was race my cousins down the city blocks and see who made it to the end first. I just loved racing in general. That was until I ran a track and field race during summer camp and I lost. Turns out, I’m slow as fuck. I cried. My crush at the time gave me his trophy (aye 😛) and my identity of being a fast runner died. I blame puberty and the boobs, also my asthma.
I thought I was a good drawer, but I couldn’t draw anything without tracing first. Also, my skills are limited to the same three symbols I draw over and over--a butterfly, a flower (and sometimes a house if I’m feeling zesty), and The Sim's logo (a plumbob). I’m just better at coloring.
I tried to be good at video games, but I suck at those. I like it when people unlock all the levels for me and I play the completed version 😁. Looking at you Super Mario Bros on the wii.
I want to be clear that in this post I consider talents and hobbies to be separate entities. Just because something is your hobby, doesn’t mean that you’re good at it, which is okay!
I have a hundred other stories about the talents I failed at, but we would be here all day. At least I tried right! I’ll give myself that; I’ve picked up many hobbies over the span of my life (time duration fluctuating with each) and I’m proud because I’ve tried to be good at a lot of different things. I’m just not, and that’s okay.
Or so I thought.
There’s been this massive elephant in the room my entire life (well since I started school) that I’ve been actively trying to ignore. It wasn’t until an hour ago, when I received feedback from my professor that I finally acknowledged this elephant. English. The subject, not the language.
She used the word talent, English, and you (me) in a sentence and everything stopped for a minute. See I've been told before that I’m talented, “she’s a talented young lady”, but that’s so general and broad and feels synonymous with smart, which I know. But, I don’t think anyone has ever told me that I’m talented in regards to a specific genre (?), niche (?), are of concentration (we’ll go with that) before. I could be exaggerating, I likely am, but it really made me think.
I never acknowledged English (the subject) as something I could be talented at because it was just school. I knew that writing essays was a strong suit of mine, but I never thought of my interactions with English as a talent. But it makes sense!
It’s something I gravitate towards, something I feel comfortable (and happy) talking about, something I never struggled too much with, and something I’m good at (humbly). An English teacher of mine told me that I “get writing implicitly.” (Yeah I was exaggerating before). I hung that up on my wall, lol. I always brush off compliments like that because it’s like, no I don’t. I’m not that good. It’s nothing. I always feel the need to humble myself before someone else can. I guess that’s why I never wanted to admit that I’m good at English because I thought the moment I did someone would come and prove me wrong and take it away from me. I never wanted anyone to be able to do that.
I’m really good at writing. I always have been. That’s my talent. I don’t know why that’s so scary to say.
I was exaggerating earlier because I’ve been told this over and over again, but I just don’t want to hear it, lol. It’s scary to be able to brag on yourself and admit when you’re good at something. There’s a difference between being humble and just downplaying yourself. I admit I’m bad at knowing the difference. I never want to seem cocky, or arrogant, but downplaying myself so other people will be comfortable isn’t gonna help anybody.
I also think it’s scary to be good at something because of all the potential that means you have. My writing skills still have so much more to grow, and I am actively seeking that out. The thing I love most about writing is that no piece of writing is ever perfect. There is always something you can add or change which means there’s always room to grow. That’s something I was always told throughout school; even when you think you’re done, you’re not. Very annoying at the time, but now it makes me excited. There’s so much I can learn. It’s really rewarding to see yourself grow as a writer as well. I re-read my essays all the time and my skills have improved so much. I’m writing in a way that I never thought I’d be able to (that was a tangent). It’s scary to have to mold that potential and not lose momentum.
I do not give myself enough credit. There’s always a shred of embarrassment I have when I tell people I want to minor in English, sometimes I leave it out completely. People are so critical and I just like to free myself from having to explain or their thought of it being pointless because I’m not gonna make any money from it. I also don’t think you have to monetize your talents. I’m excited to see how I incorporate my talent into other aspects of my life. I think I’ll figure it out nicely.
Here’s to talents. The talented and the talentless. It’s okay to be both.
Having been talentless up until 30 minutes ago I see you, I hear you, and I stand with you.
Here’s to writing. I really fuck with you. I could write an essay on why writing is so great, and how I love reading what other people have written, and why books are so great, so yeah I probably will. I just bought a reading light so I can read before I go to sleep. I haven’t used it yet, but that's besides the point. It's next to my bed and I’m gonna get up to it.
