College apps are now open which I’ve been constantly reminded by the many many many emails from colleges telling me so and all I can say is, yikes.
My school has been telling me that I was going to college ever since the first day of the first grade, literally we had a chant that ended with “...and go to collegeee!!” wippty doo. It’s their motto and promise to parents. So I knew the dreadful day would come, and I only say dreadful because college has always seemed like such an adult thing and as I’ve gotten older it’s just seemed more and more complicated. I mean the first thing you have to do is pick where you wanna go—why is that so terrible you ask? because I’m indecisive. Most choices I make, I make out of impulse, just me literally spitting out yolo and picking red over blue. (Maybe that’s the Sagittarius in me). I’m indecisive in the worst way, I can pick something but I pick off of present emotions, nothing substantial. But, beloved, college is very substantial, so yes I am silently panicking.
I do want to go to college. I just really want to be happy and I’d be really upset if I chose somewhere shitty and the whole experience ended up horribly because I’m the one who made the choice. Which is why, my friends, I try not to to make big decisions like this.
There are a number of things I am currently going back and forth about in my head:
Close or Far Away?
Can I really spend four years of my life here?
I’ve already made a whole blog post where I wrote all the reasons why I want to go away for school. Though I think I had a little too much faith that I wouldn’t get severely homesick. Like, I wanted to go to California LMAO. So I’ve tweaked my mindset a little bit. I still want to go away from home. I think? If I stayed home I could still keep my room, which I love, I’d have a place to come back to at the end of the day separate from my school and, of course because I live in NYC, I’d have plenty of food options and things to do. Although, I really want to go away. I want the experience of being on my own, but that means leaving my mom.
Though if I go away, I could leave my comfort zone— going away would be something I’ve never done before, and I think it’s a rite of passage. Who knows, I could be like Tessa from after and end up falling for a British f*boy--thirteen-year-old Kayla would be proud.
I definitely narrowed down the radius of where I’m willing to go. All the colleges I’ve seriously looked at are on the East Coast and most are in the New England area. Although there are a few exceptions in the south, which are HBCUs. This leads me to my next quandary.
Pwi or HBCU?
For those that don’t know, Pwi stands for Predominantly White Institutions (think of the Ivys, State Schools, any school with a majority white population) and HBCU stands for Historically Black Colleges and Universities (think of Howard, Xavier, Spelman, any school built with the intentions of schooling blacks and has a majority black population).
I really have no preference, I don’t think one is better than the other, well no. I think culture wise, HBCUs are better because...black people, lol. But no seriously, I’d definitely feel more at home at an HBCU and I’d love all the festivities. However, it’s looks like I may be leaning more towards a PWI because those are the only good schools in the area that I’m looking in, and the financial aid which we’ll get to later.
I’m just a little worried because I don’t want to get to college and have an identity crisis. I’m not used to learning in white classrooms (meaning the people not the walls—I haven’t been in a classroom with all colorful walls since preschool), and I don’t want my light to dim because I’m suddenly uncomfortable. This may not be as severe if I go to an HBCU, but I’m aware it’s still plausible to happen.
Also, sometimes, PWI offer more major wise, than HBCUs. In my research, some students stated that couldn't attend an HBCU even though they wanted to because the school didn't offer their major or had limited resources for that major. I don't want to be a business major, I don't really want a degree in psychology, and I am scared of politics/STEM soooo I need more options.
I still love the idea of going to an HBCU, and maybe I will end up going to one. Like I said, I don't have a strong preference (regardless, I'm going wherever my pockets can afford).
Major?
Remember early when I was talking about how indecisive I am? Yeah, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. While scouring Youtube for college life videos, I learned that you can go into college undeclared, which yay, but also ahh. This means I have to find a college that offers many majors and different classes so I can search for what it is that I want to do.
This adds a million more questions to my already piling over list. Is this the right college for me? Am I limiting myself?
Friends?
I’m actually not that worried about finding/maintaining friendships in college. I’m a nice person (niceish...) I think that kind of thing comes naturally, and if it doesn’t I’ll still have my highschool friends (hopefully) and I’m okay with being alone (that sounds very dark lol, but that’s only a last resort). For the most part, I’m not freaking out about it. I’ve made the friends I’ve had so far all on my own--and I think they like me, so I’m cool with that track record.
Financial Aid + Scholarships
I’ve always assumed that somehow I could finagle the system and get a full ride to college, and while I still have hope that I can and will, I’m a little worried. Debt. We hate her and we don’t want to know her. I hate for anybody to be able to say I owe them anything, especially the government (and especially money). I know college is lowkey a scam but I don’t want thousands and debt over it. So fingers crossed financial aid and scholarships come through for me and everyone else who’s graduating with me this year.
Will I Even Get In?
Chile, this is the most stressful part. Putting all your hopes into a college with the possibility of getting rejected, is something really brave that thousands of kids in the US due yearly. So I know I'm not singular in this feeling, but it really is a terrible one. I know that I'll get in somewhere (community college is always an option), but I don't want to feel like I'm settling anywhere. Most of the colleges on my list seem pretty hard to get into, especially the ones I really want to go to, and I'm worried because I never win competitions (never have, but then again you do have to participate to win lol) and that's basically what the admissions process is. Oh and let's not even get started on my personal statement...there’s so much pressure to not be boring, to use motifs, to not write something anyone else can write, but in reality, I’m not that interesting. There’s a million kids with my grades, I'm not athletic in the slightest, and I’ve never gone out of my way to join any clubs, so the personal statement is what’s gonna make or break my admission. Oh and my draft for it is due in less than a month.
All this to say that, college is here (a lot sooner than I thought it would be). Overwhelmed? Very. Life? Going way too fast. I mean, this is the biggest decision I've ever made. I could always transfer to a different school, but ya know I kinda wanna make the right choice the first time! Plus, all I want a really pretty dorm room at the end of the day.
So, I'm going to sit here watching Moesha and procrastinating the inevitable. More, in let's say a year, when all this is over. Oh, and hopefully COVID-19 is calmed down by then too, but that's a whole other post...
~Okay, bye! Tell a friend!
P.S
Do you guys know that you can like these posts? Well you can! Like and comment (if you want) to let me know I'm not just talking to Casper. What a supportive husband he is!
P.S
Here are the Youtubers that I watched: lexijpoole, gabs and gina, joi wade, sophielovexo, and nicole rafiee. All black, except for nicole :) And they do all attend PWI, but that's just a coincidence.
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